When most Arizonians think of Flagstaff, they may think of a nice, quiet chilly town up in the mountains, that for the most part is s peaceful, tranquil place to settle down. They’re wrong. Flagstaff is a town with issues and it’s health has been deteriorating ever since a certain president took office, and it’s not Trump. So The Black Sheep is here to give the top five maladies that are killing our town.
5.) Bi-Polar Disorder:
Tell us if you have witnessed this yet: the forecast calls for heavy rain, strong winds, and a 50% chance of Snow and sure enough it happens. Then within 24-36 hours you’d think you where teleported to all expense paid summer Bahamas vacation. The sun just pokes it’s head through clouds like it’s Jack Nicholson in The Shining and you’ve soaked the inside of your sexy ass bomber jacket you’ve been dying to wear all year. Make up your damn mind Flagstaff.
The definition of Schizophrenia is described as “a disorder that affects a person’s ability to think, feel, and behave clearly”. So now just think to yourself about all the people you know in Flagstaff that have exhibited anything like this. If “oh then everyone”, was your first thought then, you’re correct.
This is a condition that can bring blurred vision, distorted vision or total loss of vision. But more importantly, marijuana is a common medical remedy for the condition. In fact, you might say it’s a necessity in battling this disease. Especially since all you really need to say is, “I have Glaucoma”, to get the drug legally. Oh, this self-diagnosable disease did a real number own our community.
2.) Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder:
Remember that certain president mentioned earlier? Well she-who-must not-be-named has inflated our campus and subsequently the town. Never ending construction, an influx of new freshman, and the constant hypothermia brought on by no snow days has left the university a shell of its former self. It’s gotten so bad that every time a jackhammer hits the pavement students are hit with flashbacks and crumple into the fetal position.
We know it’s a big word, but keep reading. Polycythemia is an overabundance of red blood cells in the bloodstream. Much like NAU students, blood cells keep the whole operation flowing smoothly. However, too many blood cells can cause clotting to occur and then the whole damn town has a stroke and dies. In order for the body to healthily acquire new blood cells, it first must kill the older ones. What we’re trying to say is the annual Purge will commence this evening at 9:00 p.m.
Flagstaff is ill, and has been for a very long time. Antibiotics have failed and the city is dying. But don’t lose hope, if everybody kills one person tonight we can really put an end to many these issues.