Since the first snow has fallen, the harsh winter is rapidly coming upon us. There is nothing to do but prepare for the inevitable; the sweet release of death. If you are one of the few that is not excited for this, there are ways to make the most of your last few weeks on earth.
5.) Go Shopping:
If you’re gonna freeze, may as well do it in style. Blow the entirety of your last two pay checks, and treat yo’ self. Get some beanies, mittens, coats, boots, you name it! Tis the season for giving, so give to yourself; you’ve earned it. You’ll regret it in the afterlife if you don’t look fly for the rest of the eternity.
4.) Seek Protection From the Elements:
If you are too utterly broke (as you should be) to continue living in the dorms, there is always the alternative that is hibernation. Do yourself the favor of finding a nice cozy cave out in the wilderness that surrounds McConnell hall, and settle there for the duration of the year. Putting on those 30 pounds of winter weight will definitely keep you warm; you just may not be ready for bikini season this summer when emerge.
3.) Transfer to Another University:
If death isn’t your forte, you can always spend your days sifting through the few options you have for schools that are in less arctic-like climates. Preferably one in Miami, or California; as long as it’s not ASU, or U of A. Granted, while it’s not the most entertaining activity, you just might live to see another spring.
2.) Revolt Against Rita:
We have to do the next generation of freshmen a favor, and get our lovely president outta here! Start a petition against all the construction, refer her to the board of directors, picket outside of her office. We have to get her the hell out of here and reclaim the university before we all die or worse, graduate. We know she’ll survive because she’ll have the flames of our hatred to keep her warm while she’s hauled up in Cline Library for the entirety of the winter.
1.) Satanic Rituals:
Nothing is both equally as entertaining, as is it terrifying. Ever used a Ouija board? Well this is one step up from that; go big or go home right? It’s not like any of us have any souls left to lose anyway. In desperate need of passing your finals, or just sliding by with straight Cs? Want your dorm to make it through the winter (who knows what Rita will do while we’re away)? Praying you get laid before Christmas? Making sacrifices to the devil is a sure-fire way to get who and what you want.
Of course there are other ways you can occupy your time. Such as, seeing your family, going skiing or sledding, and working on your grades, but what fun is that? Just prepare to not have any snow days, no matter how blustery it gets.
We all have D.A.D.S., just maybe not the kind you were thinking of: