Teaching is thankless job that saps the life out of all who are brave enough to embark in the field. Professors give us the knowledge to live our lives accordingly and we barely ever return the favor; it’s long overdue. It’s time we give back to our professors the best way we know how: by bumping uglies with them. Here’s five ways to get it in with your teach’.
5.) Dress For Success:
Dress good, feel good, feel good, fuck good. Isn’t that how it goes? Hey we all took that anthropology class where we learned that human beings are truly visual creatures. Let your 3rd leg swing freely in this spring weather with a comfortable pair of sweatpants. Or in the colder months, don’t hesitate to forget that bra and let the cool Flagstaff air perk those nipples right up. Hoes never get cold right? No, no they don’t.
4.) Bring Them Lots of Food:
Putting the apple on the prof’s desk on the first day should have never gone out of style. As a matter of fact, we should be bring all types of shit. Screw the fruit, use your remaining 200 Dining Dollars to raid the wedge for Ding-Dongs, and Hoe-Hoes and any other suggestive goodies. Your professor will quickly get used to your daily generosity, and when you stop they will surely ask, “Did you bring me something to eat?” Then lean in and whisper “I think it’s time for you to stop with the sweets and toss some salad instead, don’t you?”
3.) Email Like A Pro:
Everybody likes to feel like they’re noticed in the world, in any fashion. Teachers are basically required to respond to students’ emails anyway, so all you have to do is mention something old and stupid like, “Hey Dr. Butterscotch, I couldn’t get the homework done because I was listening to KISS all night.” Watch how fast she responds with, “Oh man, I love KISS” and boom, you just got her wetter than her Led Zepplin loving husband ever did.
2.) Start Failing on Purpose:
There’s no quicker way to get close to your professor than to seriously start fucking up. Become that mysterious kid who never comes to class, but who the professor sees “so much potential” in. They’ll tell their significant other about you, and then they’ll show concern for your erratic absences. One day, out of the blue, come to class determined to get your grades up and ask for a one on one tutor session. Finally, show up butt-ass naked covered in barbeque sauce and see what happens.
1.) Imitate Them:
Imitation is the sincerest form of flattery. So, find a way to study their patterns, and their movements. Keep tabs on how long they sleep, eat, and shower. Break into their house and steal their clothes so that you can wear them the next day. Don’t worry about school, or basic hygiene, give all your time, effort, and raging sexual frustration into being just like them. Eventually, they’ll catch onto your undying love and run away with you.
Teachers are people just like us. They have needs and desires that drive them to do what they do. If they want to fuck somebody, then that’s just biology, which you currently have a D in, so get that D in and get out of it.
Listen to our podcast!