Sex is an important part of everybody’s life, it provides instant stress relief as well as a meaningful connection with your partner. It also gives us a chance to experiment with our deepest, darkest fantasizes, and NAU students have a unique sexual prowess that shows through in these six saucy positions.
The Lumberjack Hammer:
This position is only for our local sexual experts, who have mastered their libidos and entered into a state of sexual bliss. This is mainly because if you’re the guy, the blood will be flowing to your real head faster than it will going into the head of your dick, meaning you’ll be having a mental erection as well as a physical one. In this position you must pull your pelvis so far up you flip her and yourself into the second position. The blood flows from your head to your balls and now you’re pounding it like Louie the Lumberjack himself.
The Seesaw Duster:
For you Jackass enthusiasts out there, this position is for you. It is achieved when sitting in a rocking chair in the famous cowgirl position. Not so bad right? Well, we forgot to mention that both partners’ genitals must be covered in sawdust before penetration begins. This gives it the authentic NAU Lumberjack feeling. Also, no condoms or lubrication of any kind allowed, this shit is meant to be rough.
With the total lack of air present in Flagstaff, what better way to use it than with sex? The first step to this is climb Mt. Humphrey’s Peak (a 9.5-mile hike), in under an hour and a half. Then once at the summit, strip down and jog in place for 15 minutes. If you haven’t passed out yet begin having sex with your partner. Bonus points if you use any positions previously mentioned. Extra bonus points if done during summer.
Albert Einstein was known for his big head, but this is how you give great head. First, go to Einstein’s and order your favorite bagel and cream cheese combo. Then, go home and get in the 69 position. Second, the woman takes the warm bagel and places his womb broom through the whole, while the man spreads the cream cheese over her muff. Then, you have lunch.
The Forrest Bump:
For this one you’re gonna need your friends and the great outdoors. Take some buddies and go into the great wilderness. Then you take your clothes off and get busy. Get busy all night long. Fuck a girl, fuck a guy, fuck a tree, fuck a fly. Bend a bear over if you want to, it’s 2016, nobody cares.
The Rita Cheng:
For this position you’re going to need to lower your body temperature to below freezing. Then jerk your partner off with the enthusiasm of a dead cricket or if you’re “pleasing” a female, eat her out with your lizard tongue. To achieve climax in this position you must both yell “NO SNOW DAYS FOR ANYONE EVER.”
These are tough sexual acts to pull off, we get it. Some of them are a little intimidating, of course. But that’s why their ours. Those ASU punks can’t do these; their herpes would get in the way. These are for our true blue Lumberjacks, now get out there and get to fucking.