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A Drunken Timeline of Collins Irish Pub

For those who have never been to Collins, Flagstaff’s premier Irish Pub, there are somethings you should know. You have no idea the amount of spilled alcohol and bodily fluids that are on the very booth you’re sitting at. Any night out here can get pretty interesting, so here’s a rough timeline of what usually happens during a night at Collins.

3 p.m. – 6 p.m. — Happy Hour:

For whatever reason, Collins seems to think this is the best possible time for Happy Hour. It’s pretty early for most people, and the majority of people actually enjoying the discount are old people in desperate need of a drink. For all those scared of the drunk fest going down in a few hours, this will be when you’re safest.

6 p.m. – 10 p.m. — The Weird Transition:

So this is the awkward point in time when the bar slowly transitions from normal dinner, to the “lets get drunk and fuck” vibes. College students are still milling around before the most-likely-terrible DJ arrives and chairs are cleared off the dance floor. As it gets later, some ratchet partiers will start wondering in to start drinking.

10 p.m. – Midnight – Party Time:

This is when the party is tolerable and most are at a good level of drunk. With exceptions of the one random lightweight who got too drunk too soon, the party is awesome. You’re at the right combination of drunk and excited from all the caffeine infused drinks you just downed. The balance between fun and crazy is at the right level and for these two hours you will actually manage to have some fun on your night out. Of course if you don’t like the DJ, then you’ll just have to accept the fact that your evening has gone to shit and just go home.

Midnight – 2 a.m. – The Shit Show:

So this is when you either need to get out while you can, or just embrace the insanity cause by this time the shit has hit the fan. You must learn to deal with the group of people knocking over everyone else and that random girl that keeps trying to hump you from behind. If you’re new to booze and are only buzzed, either down some shots or leave. It’s safe to say that by this time in the night the alcohol, caffeine and hormone levels have all skyrocketed. Those who are not strong enough will perish in the crowd of grinding and dry humping. 

So to souls brave enough to take on booze and getting it on with strangers, good luck. And for the rest of you, just go to The Gopher Hole or something.

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