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Booze Review: Pabst Blue Ribbon

Have you ever had a thirst for piss but aren’t as ambitious as Bear Grylls? Well, Pabst Blue Ribbon is the next best (worst?) thing, if you’re into that. It also doubles as good way to let people know that you’re a piece of shit who has no self-respect for themselves. Nice job, kid.

 

Grade: D-

 

Smells Like:

Your middle school’s boys’ locker room, minus the Axe body spray and puberty smell.

 

Tastes Like:

Liberal tears after Hillary Clinton lost the election.

 

Typical Drinkers:

– Anyone and everyone named Seth.

– People who are vegan for “health reasons” but also chain smoke American Spirits and trip on acid regularly.

– Political science majors who still have Bernie 2016 stickers on their laptops.

– Nihilists.

– People who carry around a copy of The Communist Manifesto and think Karl Marx is Jesus.

 

User Comments:

– “Open your eyes, man! American Democracy is an illusion!”

– “All I’m saying is we need to rise up and seize the means of production to empower the proletariat.”

– “Who the hell gave this beer a blue ribbon? I wouldn’t even give PBR a participation ribbon.”

– “I asked for a beer and you gave me this crap? I’m honestly triggered, I thought we were friends.”

– “Yeah, I studied abroad in Barcelona last semester. It like, really changed my life.”

 

Best Described as a Drink Superior To:

Drinking your own piss.

 

Can I Drink This In My Safe Space?:

Yes. But don’t you dare drink a Budweiser in there unless you’re a jingoist, xenophobic jerk.

 

Tell Me More About How We Can Empower the Proletariat:

Ok, Comrade. Once the bourgeoisie become severely outnumbered by the working class, we can revolt and install a new government regime.

 

Is PBR Gluten-Free?:

It has very little, but you probably don’t actually have a gluten allergy, so suck it up.

 

We Mixed it With:

The cheapest plane ticket we could find to a Scandinavian country.

 

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