NAU Daddy of the Week: Joseph Perez

author-pic at Northern Arizona  

Name: Joseph “Likes it Dirty” Perez

Twitter Handle: Believes direct messages should be sent through mail.

Year: Senior

Major: Bio Med, bitch.

Relationship Status: Single, has late nights with Excel.

Fraternity: Not applicable/ too poor and uncool.  

Boxers or Briefs?

Whatever your mom buys me.

Tell us a dad joke.

What do you call a box of ducks? A box of ‘quackers.’

What’s the best way to reduce stress when your future son doesn’t mow the lawn like you like it?

Sit in my car with Metallica blasting while staring at my next-door neighbor’s ungroomed lawn, thinking about where I fucked up as a father.

Tell us about your first night of college:

I didn’t do much except read some syllabi and figure out that Flagstaff traffic is horrendous on my way to downtown.

What’s your favorite type of shoe and why is it white New Balances?

I like the ‘walker’-styled New Balances because they offer support in my day-to-day duties whether it be changing my oil, lending the neighbor my hedge trimmers, or going out on Saturday nights to get groceries. Occasionally I like to put Sperrys on but, they are only for really special occasions.

On a scale of 1-10, how drunk would you have to be to masturbate to a picture of 1990s version Bob Saget?

A solid 10 due to how disgusting that image is.  However, I wouldn’t remember it once I got past a solid 7. So, maybe a 7?

How many cigars did you smoke at the hospital on the first day you were born?

As many as necessary to ensure the doctor knows I’m the big shot in the room. It took only one puff because I almost died from a coughing fit.

Which would be worse: having to have a period for a week straight or being a lame-ass geed for you entire life? Why?

That’s a tough one, I’m going to have to go with option of being a lame-ass geed for my entire life.  I am already an unlike individual. So, it’s probably best to keep that train rolling instead of bleeding for a week and getting confused in the tampon isle.

What’s one thing that kinds of people nowadays do that pisses you right off?

I really hate how these kids are always on their phone Twittering, Zuccerberging, and whooping and hollering about some angry little girl telling the dad of Dads, “Dr. Phil,” to cash him outside. Whatever that shit means.

What’s the best part of your lifetime subscription to Golf Magazine?

Oh gosh, Golf Magazine is probably my go-to toilet read. Especially when I use the restroom to hide from my roommates, to get a few seconds of peace and quiet after a long hard day.

What’s the dirtiest scenario you can think of on the spot only using: a shovel, a 10 pack of Red Bull, and your wife’s hot sister?

Clearing out latrines with the shovel while my sister-in-law drinks all the Red Bulls because she’s insufferably lazy.

Why do you think you deserve to be Daddy of the Week?

I deserve it because whenever I come to harass you at your work (to get away from the roommates and all the homework I do for others) I ask you or one of your coworkers to fetch me a bucket of steam or a trusted left-handed wrench.  It’s this attitude that makes me deserve Daddy of the Week.

Why should people read The Black Sheep?

People should read The Black Sheep because satire is an appropriate way to make fun of people without being outright mean but still being a pompous nincompoop who likes to beat around the bush.

In case you have not realized NAU’s Daddy of the Week (Joseph Perez) is exactly like Zach Efron in the beginning of Dirty Grandpa.  He is arrogant, dresses like he is 90, and is a very modest man.  Nonetheless, ladies he is single and ready to mingle, and if he peaks your interest you can contact him at 1234 Internet St.  Just keep in mind he only reads letters.

WATCH: We interviewed drunk people on Unofficial. Did not disappoint.