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How Flagstaff Can Survive the Impending Nuclear Holocaust

Have you ever seen those 1950’s and 60’s instructional videos about how to survive a nuclear strike and thought “I’m sure glad those days are over”? Well think again! Because thanks to a certain Cheeto colored president and the literal man child running a certain Korean country, these days are upon us again. Flagstaff is a unique place, however, we’ve got some ideas on how NAU will beat the odds.

We’re not popular enough to matter:
You’ll be happy to know that Flagstaff wouldn’t even be a target for our homicidal hubby Kimmy. Not because it’s out of reach necessarily, but because his cousin Rita is president of our beloved institution. It’s much more likely that Los Angeles or San Francisco or some other hippy dippy town will be first on his list, especially since Dennis Rodman recently expressed his tremendous dislike for both the Warriors and the Lakers #nomoresuperteams. However, let’s entertain the idea that Mr. Un doesn’t like how our basketball team executes their pick and rolls and decides to rain some bombs on us from downtown.

We’re slightly out of reach… slightly:
In order to live past a nuclear bomb, we first must understand them. North Korea largest bomb is rumored to anywhere from 15-30 kilotons. Now this may sound like a lot, but compared to the largest bomb ever tested, the Tsar Bomba (50 Megatons), it’s a baby firecracker. Now this isn’t to say that a North Korean bomb wouldn’t ruffle our jammies a bit. According to Nukemap.com, the funniest/most depressing website ever created, a 25-kiloton bomb would cause about 18,000 fatalities and around 25,000 injuries within the first 24 hours of the initial strike. By nuclear bomb standards that’s not bad at all. Also, if you’re saddened by the immense loss of life, just think about all the parking spots that’ll open up.

We have the Skydome:
However, this article isn’t about how easy it will be a zip around town, it’s about survival. So, when the bomb hits a bunch of you will die. In which case, don’t worry ‘bout it. But for us survivors there are places we can take refuge. The Skydome is a well-fortified and stable building, the only thing that has died in that building is the playoff dreams of NAU students and faculty. The Hotspot and the Dub will have plenty of food and water. Also, it’s possible that the food has already been contaminated for weeks so there is no need to worry about it going bad on us. Let’s not forget about Cline Library. The building is a perfect place to rest as sleeping is the only thing ever done in there anyway.

NAU students, like rats, are survivors:
Worried about losing electricity from the EMP wave? Don’t worry, we’re fucking tree people as it is, we’ll be fine. Besides, it’s not like Resnet was working anyway. Now if you’re frightened of initial fireball, just think of it as the best bonfire forest party you’ve ever been to. And the air shockwave? At this elevation, it’ll feel like a nice breeze. Lastly in terms of radiation poisoning, no need to fear. It’s common knowledge that Flagstaff is completely encapsulated in a dome of pot smoke. A layer so strong that the radiation will have no chance of getting through, according to our chief pot expert, Chad.

So if you really think about it, it’s not so bad. Sure, we lose about 1/3 of the town — but hey, maybe a room in SkyView will open up. Hopefully our diplomatic and political leaders will come to their senses and realize that even entertaining an idea as batshit insane as this is extremely irresponsible and could lead to extinction of all human life on ear- wait who are we kidding? T’was nice knowing y’all!

Want to waste some time before our fiery deaths? Listen to our podcast!

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