Louie the Lumberjack is Unfit for Mascot Considering the Environmental Standards Of NAU

author-pic at Northern Arizona  

Louie the Lumberjack is washed up meat that dogs wouldn’t even touch.  Kids are not into Louie like they once were; rather climate-enlightened NAU students now love trees, and wish to keep them rooted into the ground. Not have some oversized bastard with a foam axe cut them down, and turn them into inhuman objects that have nothing but materialistic value.  So, here are five awesome mascot replacements for Louie the Lumberjack.

The NAU High:
Nothing speaks to NAU students like the smell of the devil’s lettuce at 7,000 ft. It’s just more relatable to students than some strange looking man holding an axe.  If Canada can have a leaf representing symbolic value than damnit so can NAU!  It’s 2017 people, and weed is only a crime according to your mother.  So, let’s make the stick the official grasscot of NAU.

The NAU Shopping Carts:
Seriously, there are more shopping carts on campus at this exact moment then there are books in Rita Cheng’s office.  Somebody really needs to tell the foreign exchange students and/or jousting drunk people that the carts are not used to transport groceries miles away from the store. Regardless, the NAU maintenance crew is constantly at battle with the shopping carts, and usually spends their day returning shopping carts to their required location. So, why waste our time returning the shopping carts when we could just make them our new mascot?

The NAU Sky High Renters:
With rent sky high in Flagstaff, students are either forced to leave town or pick up seven jobs just to pay rent. These people don’t have time for hanging out with friends or going school events.  As a result, NAU might have a better turnout if they just decide to rent out the Skydome than if they try and host a football game.  NAU please give these poor souls what they want, and make NAU’s mascot the “Sky High Renters.”

The NAU Mustangs:
No, we are not talking about horses here people. We’re talking about cars that are manufactured by Ford.  There are hundreds of Ford Mustangs that rumble through campus going 15 mph hoping they will make it across campus before the semester ends.  Ford Mustangs are stylish, relatable and they really get the sorority girls foaming at the mouth. Mustangs are an icon on campus which is why they would make the perfect mascot.

The NAU Green Machines:
Let’s take Louie the Lumberjack and do a complete 180.  Instead of cutting down trees we will relish photosynthesis, and the clean air provided by trees.  Let’s also drive Toyota Prius’, and leave the smallest carbon footprint possible.  Fuck it, let’s even change the school colors to green and even greener because that’s what NAU is all about baby.  NAU’s next mascot will represent being green!

The Black Sheep begs you to take these five potential mascots into careful consideration as they all properly represent NAU. So, it’s time to say bye to Louie the Lumberjack and hello to a new mascot.

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