President Cheng Denies Students Safe Spaces, Enters Hibernation to Avoid Confrontation

author-pic at Northern Arizona  

It has been just over a week since NAU president Rita Cheng unhinged her lizard jaw and shoved her talon into her mouth over several issues faced by the student body as well as the Flagstaff community at large. Most notably, Cheng expressed her vehement disapproval of Safe Spaces, stating outright that she “does not believe” in them.

Protests, petitions and Facebook posts have inundated the lives of NAU students ever since. Yet there has been relative silence from the president’s office. Sources within the Cheng administration have revealed that our president, and heavily documented lizard person, has entered a state of hibernation.

You may be thinking “What? Reptiles don’t hibernate, crack a book you liberal arts moron.” But that’s where you’re the moron. While Lizard People share an evolutionary link between other reptiles they are a species all their own.

“A Lizard Person, or hominem lacerta, reacts to trauma in a very cowardly way, actually,” stated Franklin Papadopoulos, leading Lizard Person expert. “When backed against a wall they will enter into a state of suspended animation. Their body temperatures will drop and they will slowly regain their strength over several weeks of rest.”

So, while it’s crunch time for NAU students, President Cheng is having a nice long nap in her arid office. While she denies Safe Spaces—as well as any other measures of safety—Cheng is holed up in her very own Safe Space.

Dr. Papadopoulos has assured us that she’ll be ready for commencement. “It will actually be a prime opportunity for her to build up her strength even more. All of those big stadium lights and the extra body warmth. Plus all of the unattended children that’ll be there for her to snack on.”

Even though president Cheng is resting, the NAU student body is not. Being an extremely socially conscious college the Lumberjacks plan to fight Cheng’s administration until they see some drastic change. They and members of the community have called for Cheng’s immediate resignation.

New organizations and clubs have begun to crop up all over NAU’s campus aligning themselves against Cheng. BSU has tacked on an extra ALP to their title—becoming Black Students United Against Lizard People. Even the Newman Center has added Rita Cheng to their list of Top 5 Sinners to Pray For. But no one is more outraged than the LGBT+ community. Several coalitions have formed to right this wrong, including: LGBT+ -LP, Safe Spaces from Salamanders, The Anit-Lizard Lesbian League, and Warm Blooded Queens for Equality.

Rest assured, NAU will not let Cheng’s evasive napping maneuvers soothe their political strife.