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Cheng to Begin Construction on South-Campus Wall to Keep Students from Spring Break

 

Nowadays it seems like every other person on the planet is heading down to Mexico for spring break. Year after year, students make the long and treacherous trip down south. But now Rita Cheng and NAU are laying down the line and planning to put an end to this college tradition. Starting as soon as this summer, NAU will begin construction of a new wall at the southern border of campus to prevent students from visiting Mexico during spring break. Despite numerous on-campus protests, Cheng vows complete construction before spring break 2018. 

Todd Rungren, captain of the unofficial disc golf team, was happy to give his unprompted opinion on the wall. “She’s totally harshing our buzz, I thought lizards are supposed to love the sun.” He was then reminded that Cheng’s particular species is still under investigation. She could very well be a tropical iguana that requires high humidly levels. Rocky Point is too dry for her.


NAU has even updated their website to promote the new project. The homepage is filled with links directing users to information relating to the wall. One page offers an outline on how NAU will patrol the wall. Cheng has signed an executive order calling for the hiring of thousands of additional NAUPD officers to patrol to border, despite the fact no money has been allotted for their training or salary. Students may also submit an application for a travel visa, which reportedly takes years to approve. 

Of course, the crème de la crème is the reminder to students that they will be paying for wall. While Rita blows all the university’s money on her stipend and repaving sidewalks, the student body will have to cough up the money for construction.

Proposed sources of new revenue include: a new “Stoned Tax”, designed to punish marijuana smokers, and to pay for the stone bricks within the wall. The hidden “Psych!” fee, in which psychology class TAs politely ask to borrow money, violently remove the bills from your hand, and then scream “Psych!” to your face while placing the money in their back pocket and run away. Also proposed is an auction for university-confiscated skateboards. 

While Governor Ducey has expressed support for the wall, the state will not provide any assistance and has already approved another tuition increase. 

Only time will tell if the wall ever gets built, but until then, travel while you can. This may be only the start of a new authoritarian regime. 

 

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