As the freshmen flood campus, NAU’s upperclassmen continue to showcase their displeasure with the new slew of blank slates. Their presence will surely bring a new wave of stolen bikes, dorm raids for weed, and idiots thinking they can survive skateboarding down Suicide Hill. Nevertheless, upperclassmen are still willing to teach the younglings the way of the Lumberjack. So, straight from The Black Sheep’s mouth, here are the rules every freshman must follow to become a true member of the brotherhood.
5.) Brewery beer trumps all:
If you’d rather not spend your entire day at a bar sipping on pale ale, you may as well just leave now. Lumberjacks do not drink piss beer, out of the pure pride and beer-snobbiness that every one of us has acquired over the years. Forget Natural Ice, Keystone, and Rolling Rock, even mentioning those will get you kicked out of the club house immediately. If you can roll with something more palatable, we’ll see you at Lumberyard.
4.) Buy literally only organic:
If you wish to be a bonafide Lumberjack you’d better be willing to blow all your FASFA money on primo foods. That’s right, no preservatives baby! Authentic NAU students only eat the most humanely resourced granola on this planet, and will shame anyone paying less than $10 for a pound of grapes. So, if you want to fit in, return your microeconomics textbook, and get your ass to Sprouts.
3.) Be ready to rally:
One of the greatest accomplishments any new Lumberjack can complete is protesting against some other pathetic rally. These typically are about saving trees, not going to Hell, or eating organic. Bonus points if you create a science based t-shirt to wear to the event.
2.) Show absolutely no school spirit:
Let’s be honest, a snow day is infinitely more exciting than going the homecoming football game. Don’t take our word for it, see for yourself which event has more participants. Once that first snow day rolls around, students will be spending weeks perfecting their igloos and encasing the Louie statue in icy powder. After all the parents leave during family weekend, the football games become desolate waste lands.
1.) Recognize that recycling is life:
This is a hard habit for most newbies to pick up once they step foot on campus. Just try to aim for the blue trash cans when playing trashketball with water bottles and you will eventually be seen as a decent human being. Until then you’re just a monster that hates the environment and deserves to be rallied against.
All in all, life at NAU isn’t so bad, so long as you’re willing to accommodate to our Lumberjack ways.
Oh, and listen to our podcast! That’s important too: