With “Unicorn” announced as the newest flavor in Starbucks’ line of Frappuccinos, area man Ken Stephenson is marginally perturbed.
43-year-old office manager Stephenson has disclosed his discontent with the pink-dusted beverage to The Black Sheep reporters, divulging his uneasiness with sprinkles, edible glitter, the color pink, and governmental affairs.
“Never have I once thought, ‘I wonder what unicorn tastes like,’” said Stephenson. “What happened to classic flavors like strawberry and apple strudel? What’s next, ‘Two Men Kissing in Public’ iced tea?”
Stephenson found out about the flavor this morning after waiting in line for his Caffè Misto among clusters of tweenage girls for ten minutes longer than the usual twenty-five minutes, making it a thirty-five minute wait at his local Starbucks.
“Just look around and you can tell this drink is a big joke,” explained Stephenson, adding that the color-changing rumors appear to be true and super gay. “I don’t know whether the flavors really change with the colors ‘cause I didn’t try it, but from the looks of it, it really sucks.”
Stephenson also claimed that the supposed fruity-turned-tart beverage is only meant for young girls and “flamboyants.”
“It’s all for money, obviously,” continued Stephenson, “Hipsters are the main people that buy everything, especially coffee, so Starbucks is always making things for them specifically. That’s why I don’t let these things bother me and just go on with getting my coffee fix.”
Stephenson is a loyal Starbucks customer, even though the frequent menu updates rarely please him.
“I thought I’d seen everything when they came out with the Very Berry Hibiscus refresher, but I guess not. My word apparently means nothing when I say, ‘enough is enough!’”
Despite his frustration with the franchise, Stephenson expressed that he will continue to support Starbucks, where he routinely gets his energy boost to start the day. However, he wants his family and neighbors to be rest assured that he does not appreciate all the “stupid fairytale drinks.”
“Oh, I just can’t wait to try the ‘Legalized Marriage Between Man and Land Animals’ latte!”