The time of the semester consisting of suffering and endless death wishes is quickly approaching— Finals Week. This is the portion of the semester that either makes your grade or breaks it. There’s usually no in-between. It’s time to buckle down and get to stu-DYING. However, if you need a little help, we nerds at The Black Sheep know everything there is to know about finals. Without further ado, here are a few tips to get you well on your way to Winter Break festivities.
DO Study in Quiet, Safe Areas:
The perfect spot to do this is in a pine tree. Those things are massive and no one will bother you up there. You may even become friends with a few birds. However, be careful because they may squawk at you for being in their territory—but squawk back and let them know you’re friendly. Plus, hollowing out the tree will make for a terrific study break. If you happen to fall off the tree, your big-ass math textbook will cushion your fall.
DON’T Study Several Days in Advance:
Please, give us a break. Studying too early is for the over-achievers—people like Rita Cheng—not you. You’re trying to get all the information from an entire semester of school into your short-term memory, not your long-term memory. What a waste of space in your smallish brain. Just cram the 13 chapters of your chemistry book into a 15-minute study session in your car before class. It’ll work like a charm.
DO E-Mail Your Professors Questions:
It’s 3 a.m. Monday morning of your psychology exam? E-Mail your professor 47 times and ask him different questions about the exam. Not only will your professor be so proud that you took the initiative to ask questions, but he will be even more impressed that you care so much about studying for your exams so early in the morning! Make sure you ask him the most detailed questions so you know EXACTLY what the test will be on.
DON’T Get a Good Night’s Rest:
The night before an exam is the ideal time to take the edge off and par-tay. If none of your friends want to tag along, no problemo. Nothing says success quite like a party of one. Crack open a couple of beers, down a few hundred shots, and vomit all night. It’ll cleanse your mind, body and spirit prior to the final. It doesn’t matter what time you go to sleep, because sleep is for the weak, right? You got this.
DO Bring Sharpie Markers To Class:
If you want to do well on any exam ever, Sharpie’s will surely do the trick. We aren’t sure why Scantrons recommend Number 2 pencils when a thick, black Sharpie will show up much better! Not only will they make permanent marks on your exam, but they will also bleed through onto the other side of the paper and fill in other answers FOR YOU. Your professor couldn’t possibly fail you.
DON’T Eat a Healthy Meal:
Ever heard of the term, “brain food?” It doesn’t apply to real life. The more revolting the food you put in your body, the more likely you are to succeed in everything you do. So, eat an entire family-size bag of Flamin’ Hot Cheetos, a Big Mac, and a Slurpee from your local 7-11. The combination of all these foods is sure to make your tummy smile. You’ll pass the final with flying colors.
Follow this guide and you’ll be well on your way to Winter Break. Santa will be knocking on your door very soon to congratulate you with gifts on your reasonable grades.
Yeah, we all have D.A.D.S., just maybe not the kind you were thinking of: