With summer just around the corner it’s time to start panicking about the way you look; mostly naked. Do you have all the right junk in all the right places, or are you just a pile of junk? Have no fear, The Black Sheep is here and we’ve designed a work out just for you, Lumberjacks.
5.) 5×5 Log Squats:
Go on out to the woods or the urban trail and find yourself a good-sized log. The number one rule for lifting is form. Don’t bother showing off for the squirrels by finding the biggest log you can, if you fuck up you’ll probably die. If a whimp falls in the forest can anyone hear them scream? Five sets of five here, or until your ass starts to feel like a tiny rock.
4.) Run Away from Your Responsibilities (Literally):
It’s the end of the year and you still have all of those pesky responsibilities to deal with. Or do you? Instead of finishing that project/paper/lab report just go for a run. Run from your responsibilities, run as fast and as far as your fat little legs will carry you and never look back! The further you get from real life, the slimmer and freer you will feel.
3.) Construction Parkour:
There’s no better work out than a free run and all that goddamn construction has to be good for something, right? Work your entire body with some flips and somersaults and shit. Your arms and legs will thank you, and so will the babes you meet at the beach. And if you happen to impale yourself on something, Rita and the university will probably owe your dumb ass some money that you’ll likely never see.
2.) 20 Reps of Deep Sobbing in the Fetal Position:
This is a physical and emotional work out. The deep sobs will rock your core and get you shredded while they simultaneously cleanse your soul of all of the disappointment and trauma you’ve either caused or been the victim of. The tighter your fetal ball, the better the results. Remember to really work those obliques by locking your arms around your knees and really wallowing in that self pity.
1.) 5×5 Curls with shots:
Time to prep your liver for Cabo. Try to vary your intake, one tequila, two vodka, one tequila and a rum. Gotta keep your body guessing. Be sure to repeat this five shots if you really take summer fitness seriously. You may think that getting fucked up and puking would be counter productive for this set, but there’s nothing like a good and violent barf to work those abs.
Break a sweat with your mind, body and soul by following this simple work out regiment. Or don’t. We really don’t care if you stay fat, just as long as you keep reading our shit.
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