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Tour Group Tramples NAU Students Outside Student Union

 

Recently, there has been a noticeably large number of tour groups wandering around campus. Groups of confused high-schoolers walking around with their even more confused parents can be seen all over. They are taking up the walkways, and asking to be let into the residence halls after they wander off from their tour group. It’s truly an awful thing for NAU students. 

The tour group problem reached a peak this last week, as a small group of students were trampled to death outside of the Student Union. Three students were standing outside, talking and having a good time, when the tour group came out of the Union. The group was too busy wondering where they could get weed that they didn’t notice the three students in their path. Three students who probably could have gotten them weed, for the record.

The Black Sheep was able to get a comment from one of the members of the notorious tour group. Robert Liddy was touring campus with his pride and joy, Libby Liddy, a hopeful Lumberjack and kind of a bitch, when he noticed he was standing on a student. “Yeah, I saw I was standing on someone but I didn’t really do anything. I didn’t want to get lost and miss the tour of the parking garages,” he said. “Do you know where I can find Cline Library?” he then asked, before wandering off.

“I don’t even want to go here,” Libby said, standing atop the bones of one of the victims. “What kind of stupid mascot is a lumberjack?” She continued, folding her arms over her ASU sweatshirt, depicting a cartoon of actual Satan.  

The deceased students have yet to be named publicly. And to be fair, there are far too many people on this campus for anyone to notice three missing people.

Officially, the incident is being labeled an accident and there will be no charges pressed against any party. 

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