“Usually I can’t get them to do anything fun,” Jesse Maxim, a 43 year old Denver man, told reporters Friday morning. Living alone in a small house stuffed to the brim with mannequins, Jesse is thoroughly excited about the new internet sensation, “the mannequin challenge.”
Jesse led reporters down to his unfinished basement where a small bed lay in the corner and 30 mannequins looked on. “Last night I slept great. I slept great. I thought I wouldn’t in anticipation of my big day today and- MARTHA. CAN YOU PLEASE STOP TALKING I AM DOING AN IN-TER-VIEW RIGHT NOW.”
Mr. Maxim turned his attention from an inanimate mannequin close to his bed back to the interview. “Sorry about that. They’re all excited too. Anyway, I slept great last night, brought everyone down here and we all just piled into a dog pile. Just, I like sleeping with a heavy weight on my chest. Boy I haven’t slept like that since the I was a kid and the strip mall burned down with the Preacher and the rest of my…” Jesse trailed off, a distant look in his eye before snapping back to reality.
“So when I first saw people doing the mannequin challenge I got so so so excited. I’m not allowed in the library anymore but I oversaw a young man playing videos of it on the bus. When I got home I had to tell everyone. I said, I came in yelling! I said guys! Guys! Martha! Mackenzie! Mike! Brendan! Sarah! Addie! Jimmy! John! Erick! Erik! Joseph Jr.! Henry! Cole! Sam! Samantha! Sharon and Frank! Greg! Jake! Ted! Amanda! Danyel! Jordan! Scott! Curtis! Nick! Jack! Autumn! Lauren! Seth! Allie! Ally! Maureen! Devin! Cooper! Rachel! Jacob! Karina! Taryn! Mary! Noah! Brendan! Chase! Katie! Sami! Andrea! Summer! Ashley! Annie! Kristin! Tayler! Theo! Matt! Julia! Mason! Ben! Darius! Isabel! Matthew! Lauren! Eden! Kaya! Milo and Salvador! Trinity! Daisy! Regan! Morgan! Cora! Jessica! Krista! Cameron! Come downstairs I have an idea.
“And then no one came downstairs, probably because we had had a pretty late night the night before pressing kidney beans into our eye sockets and playing hide the wrench.”
Visibly excited, Jesse dusted off his camera gear and tripod and lept up the stairs. “So I think I’ll start here since Lauren’s nails look so nice. And then everyone will stand still. EVERYONE. WILL. STAND. FUCKING. STILL. while I weave in and out. So many setups. Do you see Jimmy and Addie in the kitchen looking in the fridge? Devin and Cooper, those two are hilarious, looking out the window with binoculars. Like binoculars, what!?
“And you know I didn’t want to make things political but I bet you saw Jack over there in a Make America Great Again hat. Yep, this is a Trump house, we all voted for him. Well, except Curtis, he’s the black one. But besides him I think this house exemplifies the white purity that Donald Trump envisioned in his Americ- SHUT. UP. WOMAN. God, women yano, never stop yappin’ once they get pregnant, some chemicals in their brain I read,” Jesse glared at Martha, whose empty eyes looked on as she held an antique vacuum next to an empty fish tank.
“I’m sorry baby,” Jesse maneuvered into the kitchen to kiss the jagged hole cut in her mouth. “I can’t stay mad at you, I’m just nervous, this is my one shot at stardom. Now, let’s get this show on the road.”
Jesse bowled through his small house through the maze of mannequins, knocking them over as he went and kicking some out of the way. “I think I got it. One take! Now quick, Andy’s coming!” Jesse fell to the floor, rolling in glee as the mannequins surrounding him remained upright.
“Hahahah. HAHAHHA. HA. HA. HA. HA. HA.”
WATCH: What does your drunk food say about you?