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ND Freshman Accidentally Watches Porn on ND-Guest, Suspects Rector is on to Him

Notre Dame first-year student Patrick Gallagher was horrified to see that, after watching roughly 7 minutes of pornographic content on his iPhone while his roommate was at dinner, he had forgotten to turn off his Wi-Fi.

The Keough freshman stated that, in the past, he has exclusively used mobile data when accessing adult websites while on campus due to the worry that “Notre Dame might see what I’m checking out.”

The next day Gallagher cautiously passed his rector, Fr. Luke, fearful that he somehow knew about the roughly five videos he had viewed with his headphones in and his door locked. Gallagher elaborated, saying, “I heard that the rectors, like, know what everyone is looking at on the internet. There’s all those posters about how ‘Porn Kills Love’ or whatever, so I think they mean it. Really, I just don’t want it to be awkward when I see him at mass.”

Fr. Luke, when reached for comment, let out a sigh of exasperation.

“I don’t know why these kids think I care about what they do. I don’t even spend half of my time in the residence hall, and I’m only in this job until one of the priests in the administration retires or dies and I can move my stuff into Main Building.”

The Black Sheep was able to reach Sister Mary Elizabeth, of the Franciscan Sisters of Our Lady of the Office of Information Technologies, for more information on internet monitoring at ND. In an exclusive interview, Sr. Mary Elizabeth allowed our correspondent to tour the Sisters’ secluded IT center and convent complex.

“We sisters have taken on the sacred duty of watching over the porn habits of the entire student body,” said Sr. Mary Elizabeth, speaking in front of a wall of computer monitors each displaying a pornographic video that was actively being watched somewhere on Notre Dame’s campus. “Anytime someone goes into Incognito Mode on their laptop or cellular phone, we immediately begin to stream whatever happens to be on their screen. The sisters pray over each hardcore film that the student watching is flooded with guilt and self-loathing!”

When asked about Mr. Gallagher, Sr. Mary Elizabeth said, “Oh, Patrick? Absolutely nothing to worry about! Everything he was watching was so vanilla, and he only made it 30 seconds into a video before clicking on the next one. And what a one pump chump! I barely finished half of an Our Father before he was finished.”

Just then, a stream began coming in from the Moreau Seminary’s Wi-Fi. “Now if you really want to see some freaky stuff, wait for a seminarian. Glory! No one should worry that we’re always watching. We don’t do anything with the information…”

She paused before continuing:

“…just put it into each student’s file so that that should they become wealthy later in life we can make extra sure that they will donate to our fine university. Hallelujah!”

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