Officials with Notre Dame Security Police are reporting that the number of syllabus week casualties stand at 5 as of Tuesday night. This indicates a marked decrease from the 11 casualties reported by this time in the 2017 Fall syllabus week.
NDSP released a statement delivered by Police Sergeant Martin Gonzalez, who stated:
“The first week back is often one of the most dangerous for undergraduate students. They have not been to a college party in over four weeks, which is apparently more than enough time for someone to forget every lesson they’ve ever learned about not binge drinking until they become a sweaty, incontinent garbage can of a person. This is especially true for freshmen, who for whatever reason think that successfully completing one semester of college means that the rules of alcohol poisoning no longer apply to them.”
Though Gonzalez expressed satisfaction that there have been fewer instances of egregious drunken stupidity so far, he stressed that as a shame-based campus Notre Dame demands that the names of students be released.
The five students so far:
Sophomore Becca Grothaus: Fell off of a pool table on which she was trying to dance, shattering her tailbone.
Freshman Bobby Mansfield: Accidentally set fire to his quarter-zip with the candles from the Grotto after vomiting into the candles at the Grotto, sustaining second-degree burns.
Freshman Leslie Anne Bowen: Contracted hypothermia after falling asleep in a Welsh Family shower, flooding the bathroom and surrounding hallway.
Junior Marcus Lewis: Broke two fingers and suffered multiple lacerations after punching his mirror, presumably because this was the healthiest and most mature anger management strategy available to him at the time.
Sophomore Hannah O’Brien: who ate a package of peanut butter cookies knowing fully well that she had a severe allergy to nuts. She reportedly said that the allergy only counted for homemade food, and that she was also “like, really hungry.”
BREAKING NEWS: Wednesday morning students began to arrive at St. Liam’s reporting severe stomach cramps, nausea and total blindness. Reportedly, a Fisher dorm party ran out of real alcohol and someone decided to pour bottles of Listerine into the jungle juice. So far 22 students have reportedly gone into cardiac arrest, breaking the record for syllabus week casualties. When reached for comment, Sgt. Gonzalez only repeated “…those fucking dumbshit students…” over and over.