First it was movie posters, then string lights, then tapestries, but now college freshmen have begun to furnish their dorm rooms with a hot new decoration: fresh road kill. Other traditional aesthetic choices are being kicked to the curb to make way for the decaying carcasses of raccoons, squirrels, opossums, skunks, and other small animals native to edges of campus roadways.
“Tapestries are so 2014,” commented University of Delaware freshman Sophie Arnold. “I prefer a raccoon hanging above my bed instead, because it’s a much more immersive piece of art than some lame old cloth with a mandala on it.”
Sources report that one of the reasons rotting rodents are beginning to line the walls of freshman dorms across the country, is that they offer more sensory stimulation than the traditional tapestry; specifically the aroma of decomposing flesh.
“You get to like, experience the art more fully, you know?” reported Rob Marley of Penn State. “Sometimes my friends and I like to smoke a bowl, throw on some Grateful Dead, and just sit back and take in the scent of my vintage opossum with tire marks.”
Not only are the crumbling corpses of these creatures being used to display the artistic appreciation of college freshmen, they also have been rumored to make statements about the social statuses of their owners, as well.
“Yeah, one of my friends just has like, a single squirrel in her room. I think she was going for a minimalist look, but it’s just too empty, you know? She’s kinda lame, anyway. But my friend Darrell has like, two skunks, a raccoon, and part of a dead deer, and it’s just like, wow. It’s so comfy and his room has such a cool vibe and he has such good taste! Plus the smells mix together well enough to hide the fact that we smoke pot in there on the reg.” commented Lindsey Nash of UMD.
Others value the diversity factor the lifeless critters offer the world of dorm décor. In an interview with the freshman class representative of Lehigh University, he stated, “Road kill offers so much more variety. You can have multiple tapestries, all printed with the same patterns, but each dead animal is a unique, one-of-a-kind piece of art.”
When The Black Sheep asked college freshmen if they killed their decorations themselves, our reporters were met with reactions of great disgust.
“No way man, these things are cruelty-free,” explained Elliot Smith of Towson. “Who would kill a poor innocent animal just to hang it on the wall? That’s sick. But if you find it already dead, it doesn’t count.”
All other university officials, RAs, and upperclassmen were unable to be reached for comment, and are presumed to be distancing themselves from the stench that this year’s freshmen have dragged on to campus.