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“I Just Never Have Any Luck,” Sighs Notre Dame Patriots Fan Worth $2,000,000

In the aftermath of New England’s heartbreaking Super Bowl loss to the Philadelphia Eagles, Duncan Hall freshman Moreland Veritt Jr. was heard audibly sighing and moping around his quad’s common room, tugging at his $8,850 Rolex watch and bemoaning his lack of good fortune.

“The breaks never seem go my way,” said Veritt, tapping away listlessly at the webpage displaying his ever-increasing stock portfolio. “It just makes you wonder when things are going to work out.”

Veritt then ignored a perfunctory message from his father, whose yearly $100,000 contribution to the university has ensured young Moreland’s admittance to and good standing at Notre Dame since the age of three. He picked up an economics textbook, only to leaf through it for a moment before tossing it onto his 900 thread count bedsheets.

“I couldn’t begin to focus on homework right now,” Veritt stated, again with a large sigh. “Also, Deloitte’s already offered me, so it’s not like I need to know this material too well or anything.”

When The Black Sheep pointed out to Veritt that the Patriots have won five Super Bowls in the last seventeen years, including successful trips in their past two appearances, Veritt insisted that this one was different and that we “wouldn’t really understand what it’s like for a guy like me.”

“Honestly, I wasn’t the biggest Patriots fan until this past summer. I’m from Miami, actually, but after the Patriots came back and beat Georgia or whoever my dad sent word through some political connections to Tom and Giselle that they were welcome anytime. They came out and spent a couple days with us on the yacht. Ever since then, all I could think of was the #QuestForSix.”

Brushing a hand through his thinning hair, Veritt said, with concern, “Now I have to wait at least a whole ‘nother year to see that dream fulfilled.”

At press time, Veritt was reacting poorly to the news that his girlfriend would be unable to attend Duncan’s vaunted Willis Tower formal due to her sister’s wedding, saying, “I wonder if I’ll get a lucky bounce one of these days.”

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