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Post-9:05 p.m. Duncan Student Center Named ‘Ghost Town of the Year’

Duluth, IA Extra-National Conference of Ghost Towns, Haunted Mines, and Abandoned Strip Malls: In a stunning upset, Duncan Student Center after the time of 9:05 p.m. has been named “Ghost Town of the Year,” narrowly beating out runner ups Dead Lizard, Colorado; Sad Cactus, Washington; and Rocky Road Ice Cream, Montana.

“Well, the choice was really obvious, I mean, 9:05 p.m. D-SaC has everything,” said Conference Spokesman George “Steffi” Graf. “There’s economic devastation, severe population loss, not to mention it’s haunted by the vengeful ghost of George LaFortune. It really checks all the boxes!”

Ordinarily, ghost towns are created when a large business interest, such as silver mining or rootin’ tootin’, leaves an economic area. However, DSC is a new development in the ghost town community, in that it was created because organic food apparently ceases to exist after 9 p.m.

Like many ghost towns, there are plans to revitalize 9:05 p.m. DSC. When confronted with this issue Father Jenkins offered this solution: “We’re gonna hit ‘em with another big ass TV see, and maybe another stupid huge fireplace! That’ll show ‘em, that’ll show ‘em all!”

However, despite these noble efforts, the area remains devastated.

Still, there is hope for the DuStu. Like many ghost towns along Route 66, Duncan Student Center after 9:05 p.m. remains an essential traffic way utilized by many students. For those returning from the hazards of off-campus in subzero temperatures, the DuStu provides much needed cover on the road to better buildings.

What does the future hold for the 9:05 Duncan ghost town? It’s tough to say: Perhaps, like Baby Toys R’ Us that became a crack house and then turned back into a Baby Toys R’ Us, it will find a way to revitalize itself. Hopefully that way will be by “Staying Open Later!!” That’s the whole point of this article! Please! I just want some Ginger Chicken at 11:20 p.m. DuStu! That’s all I want!

 

 

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