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A Very Sober Review of Pasquerilla West’s QUWASTED Week

Pasquerilla West Hall is well known for its signature spirit event, Queen Week, which is a wholesome, fun-for-the-whole family sort of thing in which all the sections compete against each other to crown a freshman “Queen” at the PW formal. This is an official dorm event, and it is not to be confused with QUWASTED Week, a week of off campus parties that traditionally follows Queen Week. This year, The Black Sheep sent lil ol’ me to check out the scene. Sober, because I’m not 21. I invite you to take this adventure with me.

9:44 p.m. — The Pregame:
Time to show off some Weasel Spirit through my outfit choices! I own one purple article of clothing, which is a hand-me-down long sleeve tee that has zero affiliation with Pasquerilla West. Yes, this will do perfectly.

Now, since I am under 21, I obviously was not drinking alcohol for this pregame. Instead, I made myself a lovely cup of matcha tea with some turmeric and honey and hung out with my Jade plant. I have personal beef with people who scrunch up their noses at matcha tea so don’t come at me about this. You know who you are. Oh and yes, I read. I’m a PLS major.

10:30 p.m. — Welcome to QUWASTED Week!:

It’s Monday, so you all know what that means!!! The sign on the door said “Must Be 21 to Enter,” but if you couldn’t already tell, I’m a bit of a rule-breaker. Honestly kind of offended that there are boys here, though. Oh well.

10:32 p.m. — Who is Sue?:
The party is already bopping “All I Want for Christmas Is You”! Except, in PW, we actually say “All I Want for Christmas is Sue.” Apparently that was our rector’s name ten years ago, so that’s totally still relevant to us now. I think someone said something about her riding a Harley Davidson motorcycle, and I generally support badass middle-aged women. So sure, I’ll sing along, why not?

10:35 p.m. — Hydration:

Realizing that tea wasn’t quite quenching my thirst, my comrade and I sought out the deliciously hydrating drink affectionately known as “Weasel Piss.” To clarify, Weasel Piss contains only purple Kool-Aid; there is no actual piss or alcohol in it. PW basically coined that phrase “Drink the Kool-Aid.” So that’s a pretty neat piece of PW (and Jonestown) history right there.

10:49 p.m. — Girls standing behind me know every word to The Lonely Island’s “I Just Had Sex” 

Yeah, I think I can let that one speak for itself.

10:58 p.m. — Girls just wanna have fun but also be #Fashionable

Oh man, the lights just went out, so the party is really starting now! Now is an opportune time to introduce you to my dear friend Sabrina. Everyone say “Hi, Sabrina!” (Hi Sabrina!!) As a Program of Liberal Studies major like myself, Sabrina certainly is “Learning What it Means to be Human.” Part of being human is having the basic freedom to wave your hands around while dancing, which is exactly what wearing your sweatshirt backwards and placing your solo cup in your hood allows you to do. Sabrina describes this look as like “A fanny pack, but for teenagers instead of middle aged Moms.” It’s also worth mentioning that a girl behind me hissed at me to “turn my flash off” after I took this picture, so I hope you all at least appreciate me putting myself out there for your entertainment.

11:11 p.m. — Hahaha make a wish!!:

At the magical hour, I made my own wish come true by taking a break from the wild dance floor and taking refuge in the kitchen. The good news is: I wasn’t alone! I made friends with the nice young couple pictured in the background of this photo. They are planning on getting engaged by the spring semester of their senior year and waiting until marriage. Not sure that they’ll hold to either of those proposals, but I wish them the best! Unfortunately, they were not very talkative; I picked all this information up through my own intuition. (PLS major, remember?) I decided after a few minutes to head back outside.

11:26 p.m. — Awkward swaying and sticky floors:
Everyone knows that white people can’t dance sober, so it’s honestly a little unfair to talk about uncomfortable I must have looked half-heartedly bobbing my head to Beyoncé’s “Love on Top” in the middle of the party. A close friend of mine once cautioned me to “Save the hips for later” so I was trying to heed this advice while —

EXCUSE ME SIR DID YOU JUST SKIP A BEYONCÉ SONG HALFWAY THROUGH? DID YOU JUST CUT OFF THE QUEEN? IS THIS HOW YOUR MOTHER RAISED YOU??!!

Jaws dropped around me. The Powerful Women of Pasquerilla West are outraged. “This is not in the spirit of Queen Week. This is exactly why we can’t have boys here!!” I think to myself as I remember that this house that we’re partying in belongs to a group of male students.

11:34 p.m. — I remember that I am a student:
I have to stop swaying for a hot second to remember who I am — crowds can really swallow your identity! Ah yes, it is a Monday night. I have to read Purgatorio and A Midsummer Night’s Dream for tomorrow. I should really do that, and I can’t do that here at this LIT party. So it’s time to leave now, ladies. But don’t despair, you can join us at QUWASTED activities again every night until Saturday!

Peace Love Dub!

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