Everyone has that one friend – hopelessly single and mopey, like a basset hound you can’t help but feel the need to protect. You know they’re about to have a rough go of it on the most romantic day of the year. Don’t worry, these are the top 5 places you can take them to wallow in their solitude.
5.) The Dining Hall:
Nothing gets someone feeling better about their loneliness than watching awkward dining hall dates all day. When they see a guy loading up on some chili with extra onions while asking a girl about her major for the fourth time in five minutes, they’ll feel a little better about being awkward and celibate. Also, nothing heals a broken or empty heart like eating a baked potato smothered in sour cream, bacon, and your own tears. The dining hall is a great starting place for a day full of forgetting about your problems.
4.) The Basilica:
You know who never needed love? Jesus. And also every priest ever. Maybe not every single one, but you get it. The Basilica is a great place to relax, meditate and be spiritual. You don’t need the love of a beautiful human when you have the endless love of God, right? Just make sure your friend doesn’t think of the countless weddings that have taken place in that building, one of which they will surely never have.
3.) Hayes Healy:
You know who has no time for love? Math majors. If your friend is sad and lonely, take them to the math library in the Hayes Healy basement and watch them stare in confusion at letters that are somehow actually numbers. As your friend looks around at all the frustrated, perplexed faces at their study carrels, they’ll realize that being lonely and not majoring in math is better than being lonely and majoring in math.
2.) The Moor:
A barren grey moor may just be the real or fictional location that can help your friend truly embrace their solitude. And, hey, there’s an outside chance that maybe they’ll find someone! If Jane Eyre and Mister Rochester could find love on the moor, so could your lonely friend. Plus, if that fails, you can most likely leave them there, and then you never have to hear them complain about how lonely they are.
1.) Your dorm room:
Nothing soothes an abandoned soul like friendship. Additionally, you can work your particular dorm to your advantage. If you’re in Dunne or Flaherty, distract your friend by showing them the rooftop infinity pool or the on-call personal chefs in the basement. If you live in Fisher or Badin, just chill out, slam some brewskis, watch The Office, and point out the exposed, dripping pipes that adorn your ceiling. Either way, they’ll end up grateful for their living situation, which is, of course, horrendously alone. But remember—at least they have a better chance of getting with the person of their dreams than does Erin Hoffmann Harding.
Look out for your lonely single friends this upcoming Valentine’s Day. Misery loves company, and there’s no better place to be miserable than any of the above spots.
Oh hey, listen and subscribe to Talk of Shame: