You’re not paranoid; there’s definitely something wrong with your roommate (and not just their inability to wash a single dish). Keep reading if you suspect your co-resident is the dug-up, reanimated body of our prestigious university’s first president and founder, Albert Gallatin.
12.) They have a receding hairline:
Listen, your roommate should be roughly between the ages of 18-26, so why are they constantly wearing a toupee? Surely this can’t be a yearlong art piece about Tr*mp? No way your roommate (who doesn’t seem to have the time to fully replace the toilet paper), has enough dedication for that.
11.) Die hard patriot:
No, not a fan of the (fantastic) movie franchise (except the fifth one, yikes). But if your roommate passionately recites the Declaration of Independence after a few tequila shots and has been blogging about #takeaknee for three weeks straight, they might just be Mr. Gallatin.
10.) They’re never home before 3 a.m.:
When you agreed to share your location with one another at the start of the year, you thought it was in case of an emergency. Now you watch dumbfounded as your roommate makes frequent midnight trips to Trinity Church cemetery, specifically hovering over Alexander Hamilton’s grave. Suspicioussss.
9.) They’ve been written up for using candles multiple times:
Your roommate has probably already set off the smoke alarm and caused your RA much confusion for this. Poor Albert misses working by candlelight, and just can’t help but light one up every now and then. Turns out they’re not just trying to live up to an aesthetic.
8.) You’ve noticed they’re really into substance abuse:
Sure, this could be anyone at NYU. But think of the 18th century obsession with tobacco, sugar, coffee, and even cocaine. Hopefully your roommate agreement specified not using your desk space for doing lines.
7.) They never complain about the Albert homepage:
Self-explanatory. Any pro-Albert NYUer must be Albert Gallatin himself.
6.) They’re a Thomas Jefferson apologist:
Any time you bring up Sally Hemings, your roommate probably says something like, “But things were different back then.” Even worse, they suggest, “Maybe they really were in love!”
5.) Doesn’t get along with your British friends:
They’re still bitter about tea and taxes and whatnot. Sometimes, they even scream, “The British are coming!” in their sleep. It’s weird how they also refuse to be in the room while the BBC is playing.
4.) Their ringtone is the Overture of 1812:
And they always let it play all the way through before picking up.
3.) They’re in NYU Gallatin School of Individualized Study:
What could be more obvious? What other reason would someone have for choosing Gallatin than to stoke their own ego? Your roommate, even in their decayed state, is thrilled they got into a school named after them in lieu of a (removable) monument.
2.) They mooch all of your money:
Remember that time they had a cold and asked you to buy NyQuil ($9) and then only Venmoed you like 50 cents??? Yeah, that’s because old Albert still thinks it’s the 1780s and taxes have been annihilated by pure American freedom. Call him out. No free passes for former Secretaries of the Treasury.
1.) Oh God, the smell:
The lingering scent of failure, sweat, and month-old fish is not so much a result of your roommate never showering, but because the overwhelming amount of rotting flesh in the common area is unavoidable.
Even if your roommate only exhibits a few of these traits, it’s likely that they are in fact Albert Gallatin. If you can’t bed for bed, at least blog about your quirky bunkmate experiences. Who knows, maybe it will get you a $50 scholarship for Most Accepting and Inclusive NYU Student of 2017.
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