6 Gifts No College Student Wants This Holiday Season

author-pic at NYU  

Everybody loathes having the excitement of opening presents completely ruined by a gift that is too lame to comprehend. Please, don’t ruin anyone’s Christmas with your ignorance this year. After all, Christmas is all about what you get to open.

 6.) A Brand Spankin’ New Pair Of White And Metallic New Balances:
New Balance: The reigning middle aged dad sneaker for 110 years. Your dad bought you these thinking they were hip and cool since he’s been wearing them as long as he can remember. In reality, they make him look like the guy that moves the chains at Pop Warner games and you want nothing to do with the shoes.

5.) Unexpected Pets:
Giving someone a pet for Christmas is a total dick move for so many reasons. For starters, the person receiving it is instantly saddled with the responsibility that comes with taking care of a living creature. Secondly, there’s a slight chance that the recipient could be deathly allergic to it and stop breathing. That death would be tough to explain to mom and dad.

4.) A Gift That Has “For (Other Name)” Crossed Out On The Box:
The dreaded re-gift. The gift that says “I know you. I should probably get you a gift so no one judges me for not getting you a gift. But I don’t like you enough to come up with something myself so I’ll give you this old thing.” These will most likely be candles or picture frames.

3.) A Baby:
The new year brings with it the promise of a fresh start and new beginnings. Your clean slate will surely be damned if your girlfriend shows up at your house Christmas Eve and pulls out pictures from her most recent visit to her ultrasound technician that she never told you about until that very moment. Say goodbye to all that money you got from relatives this year.

2.) A Floppy Disk:
This gift is pretty self-explanatory. We have robots that can talk and cars that can drive themselves. If your grandmother walks into an antique store and picks you up a twelve-pack of floppy disks, the least you can do is kiss her on the cheek, say thank you, and use them as coasters for your beer.

1.) Booze You Don’t Drink:
There is nothing worse than finally being of age, receiving 21 nips for each year you’ve been alive, and learning that you can’t stand any of the kinds of alcohol inside of them. Birthday cake vodka? Seriously? Whipped Cream Pinnacle? Bottles of that nature will collect with dust until a “special occasion” comes around.

When you’re out shopping for your friends and family this year, ask yourself one question: “Would I want this?” If the answer is no, they probably won’t want it either. Put it back and carry on. Happy Holidays.

You went drinking, now you’re stuck pooping. How’s that going for ya?