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6 Tips From Wasserman to Help Beef Up Your Shitty Resume

NYU’s career development center, Wasserman, understands the battle that is the job market and has offered these amazing tips to help beef up even the most bleak resumes:

6.) Get creative listing some of your more, um, odd jobs:
The time you helped your friend pick out a prom dress could be “wardrobe assistant.” Or, when you helped your dad fix the kitchen sink, “co-founder of a plumbing company” (although, that one may not be as helpful in the fashion industry). Picking up your dog’s shit totally counts as “waste management”, but that doesn’t mean NBC’s spending any time looking at your internship application.

5.) You’re charitable, right?: 
Anything can be considered giving back to your community if you look at it from the right angle. You gave a homeless person 75 cents? Great, you work at a homeless shelter part time! You let your friend finish your lunch? So, you started your own food drive! You did illegal graffiti on the opening of the Queens-Midtown tunnel? Sounds like you’re a leader of a city beautification project!

Know anyone at one of these schools? 
Refer a friend for a marketing job, get $100 if they’re hired! 

Michigan – $300 Referral Bounty

Iowa State – $300 Referral Bounty
Minnesota – $300 Referral Bounty
New Hampshire – $300 Referral Bounty
Syracuse – $300 Referral Bounty 
Ole Miss – $300 Referral Bounty
Indiana – $300 Referral Bounty
Texas A&M CC- $300 Referral Bounty
Colorado State – $300 Referral Bounty 
UAB – $300 Referral Bounty
Kansas – $100 Bounty
Mississippi State – $100 Bounty
Mizzou – $100 Bounty
Penn State – $100 Bounty
SUNY Oswego – $100 Bounty
Auburn – $100 Bounty
UNCW – $100 Bounty
Wyoming – $100 Bounty
NC State – $100 Bounty
SLU/WASU – $100 Bounty
Portland – $100 Bounty
Slippery Rock – $100 Bounty
UMass – $100 Bounty
Michigan State – $100 Bounty
Click here to DM our Twitter and we’ll take it from there!
EASY MONEY!

4.) Don’t be shy about listing all of your “special skills”:
You may not think of yourself as a talented person, and that’s probably true. But, you can make any of your boring interests into a great special skill. Most people see spending an entire date checking your Twitter and Instagram feeds as rude, but we see it as “social media expert”. You may have gotten like 7 speeding tickets, but in the city having a license is a special skill, even if it is about to be suspended. 

3.) Lie about your education:
We all know that getting a job is difficult, especially when you have a degree from Gallatin. We’re sure that combining Gender Studies and Comic Books was interesting to study, but we’re also sure that you won’t be getting any job offers from your thesis on Wonder Woman. No matter what you’re applying for, just say that you went to Stern. Despite the job you’re applying for, the employer will appreciate the Stern student’s work ethic of “work so hard you need cocaine to function”. 

2.) Drop as many names as you can:
We know that not only did NBC decline your 17 applications, but you couldn’t even get that weird indie production company to respond. Don’t worry. Nobody is going to take the time to actually check those references they require you to list, so list as many as you can to have it still seem believable. They’ll be so impressed when they see that Mila Kunis was your manager at Dairy Queen, or that Michelle Obama helped you plan that food drive we mentioned above.  

1.) Money talks:
One of the reasons NYU is so prestigious is because of how much money you were willing to waste here. You know it, we know it, and your future employer will know it. So, if you really want to dazzle them while you’re sending in your resume, slip a $20 in there. Nobody has ever gotten in trouble for bribery, just ask our government. 

It’s a tough market out there, but with these tips, there’s hope for even you drama students. You may think that honesty may be the best policy, but here, we say “lie until you get what you want, even if it puts you in prison someday.”

Oh hey, listen and subscribe to Talk of Shame:

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