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The 7 Hells of Rockville Centre, NY

Rockville Centre is known across the island for our wild nightlife. We’ve all spilled into the back seat of an All Island Taxi to escape from the evils of El Mariachi, but RVC locals know that if you live here long enough, you’re likely to discover these 7 hells.

7.) Golden Reef Diner:
The closest you’ll ever get to entering the Twilight Zone. You’re not likely to find another establishment in town that will let you cry into a plate of fries at 2 a.m., but if this is where you ended up, you know it was a rough one. You know you’re in RVC when the employees try to set you up with their children and show you martial arts YouTube videos before they take your order.

6.) Hempstead Lake:
It’s home to the sketchiest characters around, a refuge for rebellious high schoolers, and optimal body-dumping grounds. Hempstead Lake State Park provides some of the most beautiful scenery in Rockville Centre with the added excitement of drugs and murder. With more chemicals and diseases in the lake than water, our park is the perfect place to release all your dark, twisted inhibitions.

5.) RVC Moms:
If you thought those girls from high school would ever outgrow their petty drama, all you need to do is check out the RVC Moms Facebook group for a reality check. Find a babysitter, buy a couch, or complain about your neighbors by name in the Mom-exclusive group.

4.) The bird room in Parrots of the World:
If you’ve ever wanted to be in a room with over 200 screaming birds, RVC can make that dream come true. If not, you’ll probably still eventually be forced into the pet store to meet the one bird that can talk. You would think some of the other birds would pick up a word or two, but no. They just scream in unison until you believe you really are in Hell.

3.) The bump that intersects Lakeview and Hempstead:
Careening down Lakeview and sailing over the intersection at Hempstead Ave. is always a lot worse than anticipated. To the unsuspecting passenger, getting thrown into the ceiling of the car and slammed back into the seat is the only outcome. Those that know their fate brace for impact and wonder how someone doesn’t die here every single day.

2.) Red and Blue:
If a six-week long girl fight with singing, dancing, and orange spray tans doesn’t scream “hell” to you, you would have fit right in at South Side High School. If you survived through any Red and Blue season, the experience will haunt you until any non-South Sider knows more about the event than Ms. Healy herself. The extended all-girl color war is South Side’s pride and joy, but has destroyed more friendships and self-esteem than an abusive ex.

1.) The inbreeding:
There’s a good reason “Most Likely to Never Leave RVC” is a SSHS senior superlative. Raising your family to raise their families in RVC is a popular life plan for many locals, which results in almost everyone in town being related. But hey, at least there’s a strong sense of community!

Whether you leave as soon as possible or raise the next ten generations of your family on your childhood block, Rockville Centre is one Hell of a home.

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