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Why You Should Drop Out of NYU and Audition for “The Bachelor/Bachelorette” Instead

“The Bachelorette” is currently in the middle of its 14th season. Some of us are watching because we truly believe that Becca deserves love. And then some of us are only watching to enjoy the complete absurdity with a nice glass of wine. We can all agree that it’s just one of the many crazy incarnations of dating-themed reality TV, no matter how real it professes to be. But also, true love is a magical thing. This is the crazy dating show. Iconic! And you could be the one. 

5.) You’re just so fun and quirky:
It’s probably crossed your mind: what if I were the guy who shows up in a full chicken suit to the rose ceremony? Too bad you’re busy with school or whatever.

4.) Are you passionate about school or are you in Stern?
Why are you even getting an education? Think of the money you’re spending so that you’ll (maybe) land a job someday. You’re spending money to make money- to have a career, a family, a nice home, and maybe even a hot tub. NYU doesn’t have a hot tub- that’s a fact. But Becca could give you all those things. If you were on “The Bachelorette” this season, you’d be chilling in a jacuzzi 24/7. Instead, you’re just floating around aimlessly in the Palladium pool all alone, eating stale, saltless Burger Studio french fries. Don’t you wanna live the nonexistent, contrived all-American romance?

3.) You’d be famous, and we treat famous people better than we treat anybody else:
You’d be on national TV. You’re a broke student? Might as well get hit by a bus. (Bonus points if you survive and collect insurance money). You’d at least become Instagram famous because of it. And people might even start paying you to post pictures with their protein powder. You’d basically be a Kardashian. Again, you’d make money without paying tuition. Just say what the producers tell you to say, and you’re good. 

2.) Doesn’t take much to win:
You just have to not be the worst. And you kind of just fall in love? (Except don’t be creepy and lie about it like Jean Blanc because that was so uncomfortable). There are a million viable partners for everybody out there, and it’s so easy if they’re all in one place. How hard is it to be the standard, cardboard cut-out, benign, fun-loving white person that every bachelor/bachelorette is looking for? …Ok, so you gotta be white if you wanna make a splash on the show. Bummer. But don’t worry, they had that one singular black bachelorette in 2017 out of the entire 14 seasons… Gotta maintain their white audience ratings, what choice do they have??

1.) You’d go down in reality TV history!:
Anyways, be real. Is your dating life at NYU really going that well? Or are you hooking up with your friends and having one night stands with creepy Tisch kids? You could do better. Why limit yourself? You could get married! Don’t you dream of your big day?! Just for show, obviously. But at least you’d be remembered by the general public. You’d be- the girl who sobbed hysterically on the one on one date! You’d go down in  history as the guy who wore tiny gold shorts (RIP Jordan).

Classy, stylish, luxurious. This show is the dream!!! Good luck with that.

 

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