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NYU Freshman Walks to Columbia; Declares it a ‘Religious Experience’

“I am an atheist, but I might become agnostic after this, maybe even Baptist,” reflected LS freshman Rickie Jankins. He, along with a handful of his violet-clad comrades, did the unthinkable. He walked to Columbia University in the c`1ity of New York.

“A train? No! A bus? Not at all. Me and my friends hauled ass from Washington Square Park all the way to Columbia. That was at least eighteen blocks or so, I think. I am a skeptic, but this was deeply moving,” said Jankins.

Steinhardt sophomore Hansel Dawes, one of Jankins’ friends, joined in this newfound zealotry.

“Rickie collapsed, my dude. We started out on this journey at like one o’clock or so, and we didn’t get there until like 8. The sun had been downed, but we sure as shit weren’t going to be. If there’s a God, this is his pilgrimage. We came from the humid, equatorial bowels of Rubin, and we arrived at the cool winds of change, enlightenment, and progress. The gates of Heaven are not clad in gold, but in a luminescent Columbia blue. Roarrrrr Lions!”

The two reached out to other NYU students, encouraging them to undergo this transcendental experience. Transfer applications to the uptown heretics skyrocketed significantly.

“We are New York University,” NYU administration member, Josie Atwood, read nervously from her typed-up press release. She continued, saying, “Let’s be honest: a campus without gates, without walls is enough. The actions committed by NYU’s very own are ones we cannot condone.”

The majority of NYU, however, seems unshaken by this. Senior Joanne Rigby summed up the popular sentiment, saying, “Who even cares? I’m a little busy gentrifying East Village and glorifying Dear Evan Hanson.”

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