BREAKING: NYU Main Campus Civil War With Tandon Escalates
Several weeks ago, The Black Sheep reported on the recent, blasphemous declaration of war by Tandon on NYU. The engineering school cited various grievances, concluding with a desire to secede from the NYU system and reform Polytechnic.
The civil war has been raging: Stern students calculate the losses, Tisch kids write tragedies detailing the horrors of the war, Tandon students build the latest weapons of mass destruction, and Steinhardt students still whine that no one knows what they do. It’s been a long-fought battle. The Metrotech dog lost limbs, and Bobst became a morgue for all the lost GPAs and “literally dead” students. With the war’s escalation, Tandon’s average GPA somehow sank below 0.0 (and Gallatin’s even dipped below 3.8). The frontline now sits between Second Avenue and Third Avenue, with taxis-turned-forts erected and bodegas converted into communication centers. It’s taken a toll on all of us, except, of course, our great, most divine, truly merciful, King Andy Hamilton, who has wisely departed to direct the war effort from his London palac—err, campus.
The war, however, may soon end. Murmurs across campus indicate that the Greek community, along with Columbia University, are preparing a peace summit to end the ceaseless, unnecessary violence. This possible concord is largely thanks to, of course, our good, most benevolent King Hamilton,
Columbia representative Pomp A. Circumstance said, “The conflict at NYU is out of hand: we must use our divine Ivy influence to rectify this solution. Honestly, this just goes to show what happens when your school does not have a campus. Maybe next time, the savages downtown will remember to put walls around their so-called ‘campus.’”
Our sources promise us that Columbia was, in their last sentence, obviously referencing the New School.
Tandon, however, refuses to back down. Their forces claim that Poly will be great, and it will be independent (because Metrotech is so much better than WaSquPa). The leadership at Tandon argues that our glorious and just king is actually a tyrannical force like King George III. No grade deflation without representation; Give me Poly or give me death; Don’t tread on Mech-E. These treacherous, seditious cries can be heard across the East River.
Tandon senior Rhoman Sigman fired out, with a weaponized hard drive in hand, “We cannot surrender now! The final victory is near, and to give up now is to give up on Poly! This peace concordat orchestrated by Columbia and the Greek community is a ploy! It’s a conspiracy created by the evil King Hamilton! #Hewillnotdivideus.”
CAS sophomore Ricardo Johannesburg, hunkered down in the last bastion of Main Campus defenses along Third Avenue’s northern front, the kitchen of Coral Tower room 506, peeked out of his fridge to give a disturbing update. It is now all quiet on the Eastern Front.
“Please just end this man: I want it all to end. My grades are trashed and my girlfriend was swiped by a Tandon kid, A F#$%ING TANDON KID. The damage is done. My term papers lie everywhere, my projects sit in tatters, the sirens blare up and down the streets, King Hamilton maniacally laughs over the loudspeakers, and the bleach supplies ran out days ago,” said Johannesburg, exhaustion consuming his very being.
What is left of NYU? Well…not much. Like 1945 Berlin, NYU is a campus divided. With Columbia from the north, and Tandon from the south, it appears that our campus will have a great, big, beautiful wall, and the College Republicans, unlike literally everyone else, are overjoyed. Nevertheless, have faith in King Hamilton, for he will deliver us from these evil forces.
Like booze before noon? So do these guys…