7 Reasons Why NYE in Times Square Is Absolute Hell

author-pic at NYU  

We’ve all been attracted to the Times Square New Year’s Eve Extravaganza. The confetti, the lights, the camaraderie of thousands of people huddled together like penguins…but we at The Black Sheep believe it’s really just garbage disguised as a celebration. Here are 7 reasons why NYE in Times Square is totally not worth it. 

7.) There are just way too many people:

Just like hell (because we can’t all be saints), Times Square becomes engulfed by masses of people, from tourists to the native New Yorker who thinks this year is going to be different. Last year, they estimated that one million people flooded the area to watch an oversized ball drop. Just imagine all the bodies you’ll touch, push, and get groped by. Maybe being in the crowd will keep you warm, but you’re more likely to end up in other people’s sweaty armpits all night. 2016 was a bad year, but ending it with an armpit to the face is just torture.

6.) Finding a worthwhile spot is impossible:

If you want the best spot, be prepared to wake up too early and spend all day standing in Times Square. If you are one of the early birds, be prepared to have people come up to you and ask you stupid questions because they are obviously not from around here. “Is Rockefeller Center around here too? Do you think I can go there and come back?” We don’t know, Nancy, why don’t you ask the security guards, police officers with assault rifles or literally anyone else?

5.) You will need a diaper:

Unless you’ve trained yourself to stop all bodily functions, you will probably have to pee at some point. Yet, if you leave, you lose your spot in the mosh pit of people, so the only plausible solution is to become an adult baby. You can pee and crap among a million other people and they may or may not know (but trust us, the smell will give it away). Seeing some balls drop is totally not worth starting your year off covered in shit and slowly shredding your dignity down to nothing.

4.) No bag equals no snacks:

Yeah, safety is important, but like what about snacks? You could try shoving bite-sized snacks in your pockets, pants or bra, but then they’ll probably turn to crumbs and your roaring stomach will not be pleased. The only thing that would stay together are travel size bottles of liquor, which can be either a pro or a con. But either way, be prepared to be extremely hungry, extremely drunk or both by the night’s end.

3.) You probably won’t see the performances:

DNCE, Mariah Carey and Gloria Estefan? This is the type of grade B entertainment that’s supposed to distract you from hours of cold, hunger, and overall uncomfortableness? Except for Gloria Estefan (who is a queen), none of these performances seem worthy of the sacrifices you will make just to be in attendance. Also, odds are you won’t be able to see or hear them, especially if you’re not an early bird and get to Times Square later than a majority of people. Have fun being cold, hungry and not entertained.

2.) You probably won’t get the basic AF picture you want:

With a million people who all own phones or cameras, the chances of you getting the basic Insta, Snapchat or Facebook picture of the ball dropping is very low. Those chances go down if you’re short. Why put yourself through hours of torture if you could just take a picture of the “ultimate” 10 seconds of the ball dropping on TV? If you have a hi-def screen, the picture will probably be better than what you’ll get in person.

1.) New Yorkers will hate you:

From being the reason that everything is blocked off, to being grouped with obnoxious tourists, New Yorkers secretly (and not-so secretly) shame all those people who go to Times Square for New Years. We think you’re stupid, annoying and gross, and that watching it on TV or at a bar is way better than being cold, hungry, and sore.

If you aren’t the type of person that’s willing to sit in your own waste, go hungry and be shamed by others, then a Times Square NYE Extravaganza is not for you. Instead, if you’re the type of person who likes to be ironically hipster or just prefers dimly lit places over strobing lights, try a dive bar in the Lower East Side. Or you can pay thousands of dollars to get into a club. Just avoid Times Square at all costs.