After months of tension, downtown Manhattan has waged a war between NYU and The New School. The two universities have entered a competition to see who can smoke enough cigarettes to get lung cancer first.
“The New School has more free time than we do,” said Tisch senior, double-fisting cigarettes outside of Bobst for the sake of the competition. “We have to smoke three times as much as them daily just to keep up.”
The sport has become a bit harder with winter looming. As temperatures drop it becomes almost unbearable for art students to stand outside and smoke while wearing only the skirt-and-nouveau-sports-bra outfit they made in class.
An on-site Student Health Center doctor, Mary Wells, commented on the events while watching at least seventeen kids light up a cigarette across the street.
“They’re honestly idiots. You people are all idiots,” Dr. Wells claimed furiously. “You always come in here for some stupid shit. One kid falls down the Kimmel stairs, another one falls skateboarding in the park…and now what? Fucking cancer?”
As of now, the score seems to be in favor of the New School. NYU Tisch smokes approximately 342 cigarettes a day, while The New School smokes 379. No reports of cancer. Not yet, anyway.
We hope to close the gap soon and eventually win.
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