You were showing them some sweet pics of your new apartment when you swiped one pic too far and all the sudden, your Aden filtered, bare ass was on full display– Target thong and all. Avoid the awkwardness this Thanksgiving and follow these helpful tips:
Loudly mention details about your last UTI:
No one, including your cousin, will want to engage in conversation with you after they hear you bring up this unpleasant topic. If there’s any chance of them not hearing you, feel free to literally yell about the color of your pee until they do. Drinking an insane amount of cranberry juice will also drive the point home. If you want to be a little more casual about it, there’s always the cranberry sauce.
Dress like a ghost without eye holes:
If you have a sheet over your face without any way to see, you won’t have to make eye contact with your cousin Tyler, who incase you forgot, saw your fucking nudes. This may sound insane, but if you refer to it as a “fun bit,” your family will be excited. They’ll rest easy knowing at least someone had fun at this fucked up gathering.
Put a big ass spoonful of butter in your face:
Whenever your cousin gets too close, completely disregarding that they’ve seen at least one of your nipples, go ahead and throw a huge ladle of butter right into that mouth hole of yours and watch them back away in disgust. Perpetuate that stereotype of being the nasty, nasty girl you are and rub that shit all over yourself. You’ll never need to sit in that awful weirdness of talking to your cousin because they may never speak to you again!
Promote a discussion about tax reform:
This way, you’ll be consumed with conversation about the liberal agenda with Great Uncle Jerry. Hell, if you’re lucky, you may be occupied with that for the rest of this blessed holiday. No way will you have time to come to terms with the fact that your cousin’s seen your entire ass. You’re too busy listening to this guy preach from the recliner.
These tricks will undoubtedly keep your cousin far, far away and, if you’re lucky, maybe even get you uninvited to Thanksgiving next year! In the meantime, like, put your nudes in a private folder. This definitely could have been avoided.
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