Most of us have experienced finals week before, and most of us have seen one of those YouTube videos where someone squashes a spider and in the worst turn of fate and witchcraft it results in an explosion of fresh lil’ babies erupting everywhere…but what do the two of these horrifying experiences have in common? A lot. Too much.
7.) You Went Into Something With Relative Confidence, But Boy Were You Mistaken:
You’re never fully prepared for a final, you at least TRY, you did some of the readings, went to some of the classes, definitely bought the textbooks, and knew it was possible for a spider to be full of babies and for those babies to explode if you stomp on it but the chances of that are like, what, as likely as you acing this final? So those two things probably won’t happen in the same day…
6.) A Lot of Helpless Ones Screaming and Scattering:
You know you’re not prepared, you weren’t ready for this to happen so soon, if you just had a little more time everything would have been fine, but instead you’re thrust into a situation all too soon and the easiest response is just to scream and scatter. Or die. Some of you will just die.
5.) A Mom Will Literally Die:
You think because you’re an adult now your parents won’t see your grades, but they will inevitably ask for your transcript “just because the insurance company needs to see it.” Your mom will never recover from that level of disappointment in you, and neither will the dead carcass of the spider mom when she comes crashing down around her prematurely birthed babies.
4.) People Will Feel Bad For You, But No One Will Really Understand What You’re Going Through:
Everyone knows finals week sucks, but your finals are always harder than anyone you’re talking to during finals week. Your stupid engineering roommate just doesn’t get how tough making a Prezi can be. Sure, we can try to put ourselves in each other’s shoes, but no imagination can conjure up the true pressure from thousands of spidey legs blasting against your fingers. No one will ever “get” you.
3.) A Handle of Vodka Would Solve All Your Problems:
How do you even begin to kill a swarm of baby spiders that’s expanding by the second? The same way you deal with everything else; start pouring that handle of Smirnoff. Problem solved, until you wake up tomorrow with a room covered in dead spider youths, vomit, and tears.
2.) It Will Take Years to Recover:
Those finals you flunked freshman year have come back to bite you in the ass, as you’re the only senior in Writ 1001 desperately trying to drag your GPA back up. Maybe by the time you’re thirty you can cover your general inferiority in the therapy sessions you still have to take from that time eight-legged babies crawled in your ears, nose and mouth.
1.) You’re On Edge For Weeks:
All those spiders didn’t just escape post-spidesplosion. They’re living somewhere. They’re in your closet, in your shower, under your bed. They’re gathering in secret meetings plotting their vendetta against you for what you did to their mom and will strike when you least expect it. Kinda like how your professors will hold your grades back till the night before they’re due so you can spend Christmas in tears…again.
Whether you’re studying for your first exam or about to take your last, at least you can comfort yourself with the fact that while life sucks right now, at least you’re not mopping up the remains of an entire family. At least, not yet…