In an emergency press meeting held in front of Washington Square Park’s iconic water fountain on Monday, New York City Mayor Bill de Blasio announced that, effective immediately, the NYPD will be conducting a city-wide sting operation on people who have been suspected of doing the clap from the Friends theme song, “I’ll Be There For You.”
During the speech, which the mayor is calling “The One Where I Put an End to This Shit,” de Blasio specified that all forms of clapping will not be tolerated, including, but not limited to: hand to hand, hand to knee, hand to belly, and belly to other part of belly.
While not specifically addressing the reason why he made this decision, de Blasio went on a 27-minute tirade about how Friends wasn’t even filmed in New York.
“None of it is filmed in New York. None! Not the apartment scenes, not the Central Perk scenes, not the title sequence. They’re lying to you,” de Blasio told reporters.
“What’s even in that water fountain? Where’s the trash? Where’s the rusted pennies that people threw in? Where’s the rusted nickels that slightly richer people threw in,” he said, enunciating his point by using his whole body to gesture at Washington Square Park’s water fountain.
NYPD Chief Terence Monahan said in the press conference that “Bill sent a snapchat to the entire NYPD at 2:30 a.m. that was just a screenshot of the list of film locations for Friends. I guess he just found out that it was filmed in California.”
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An NYPD officer, who requested to remain unidentified, described the undercover tactics the NYPD will employ going forward.
According to the source, which The Black Sheep will hereafter call Officer Chandler Bing, NYPD officers disguised as the cast of Friends will sing the first line of The Rembrandts’ “I’ll Be There For You.”
“If anybody claps four times in rapid succession, officers are authorized to stop and frisk the offenders and bring them in for questioning,” Bing said. The officer did not specify what questions offenders would be asked, for he did not know.
35-year-old self-described Friends superfan, Tim O’Conor, was walking his dog in the park when he overheard the mayor’s announcement. “No one told me life was gonna be this way,” he said, suppressing tears as he tried not to clap four times.
His brother, Jim O’Conor, who said he’s more of a How I Met Your Mother fan, offered his condolences to his brother, saying “I’ll be there for you.”
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