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9 Pretty Good Theories About Where Your NYU Tuition is Really Going

NYU is infamous for its price tag. The kind of price tag that makes you raise your eyebrows and try to nonchalantly walk out of a store. Surely a vintage shabby chic leather jacket can’t cost that much? The Black Sheep has attempted to track down precisely what warrants such exorbitant fees. So, we turned to our best conspiracy theorists. Below are the nine most convincing arguments about where your NYU tuition is being hoarded:

9.) All those fancy IDs:
Have you ever really looked at your NYU ID? State of the art technology. TWO pictures of you, a reflective NYU seal overlay, and every safety number ever needed! The ability of this card to get you access to facilities, pick up packages, and print essays are reasonably costly. According to our sources, nearly 83% of tuition goes into these bad boys. Appreciate them. Stop losing them on the subway.

8.) Catchphrase copyrights:
It has been rumored that Andy Hamilton had to fork over loads of cash to copyright that “in and of the city” catchphrase we hold so dearly. Although, it is hard to complain about the price of something so true and poetic.

7.) Fight club financial aid:
Two words: Fight club. Apparently, the NYU Board of Trustees hosts biannual competitions in Bobst LL2, pitting graduate students against each other to determine which one will get any financial aid. The contests include, but are not limited to: inane NYC trivia, jousting tournaments, and book-on-head balancing acts while someone throws 1-ply toilet paper at you. The cost of keeping these events under wraps is roughly equal to everyone’s tuition combined.

6.) Kimmel stairs stickers:
The stickers applied to the main Kimmel stairs for every minor celebration cost precisely $70,000 and one lucky student’s tuition and fees is directed towards this beautification effort each year.

5.) Hamilton’s homesickness:
Some believe that our president is so homesick the he has commissioned a private boat to take him (and Jennie) to and from England every night, lest he fall into despair at the lack of tea and crumpets on campus.

4.) Fancy graduation:
Our graduation is hosted in Yankee Stadium. Sports stadiums cost money to rent. Commencement speakers Robert de Niro, Pharrell Williams, and the Clintons come with their own price tag too. Those purple robes? More expensive than Gucci. Bye-bye tuition!

3.) Avoiding the feds:
When the gold standard was abolished in 1971, NYU had already been around for 140 years. Afraid of true progress, we doubled down. Nowadays, the cost of avoiding the feds accounts for most of NYU’s expenses.

2.) NYU’s shitty-ass websites being updated to still be shitty:
A few students are certain that reformatting the Albert Home Page costs much more than NYU’s willing to admit.

1.) Actual classes (good one lol):
And finally, this one is the wildest yet: there’s a certain camp that believes NYU tuition money pays for your specific credits enrolled, professor and faculty salaries, room and board, books and supplies, library access, facilities, and printer usage. Absurd, isn’t it?

No one of these theories holds more veracity than the next. We may never know. Or maybe as you reach for your diploma and shake hands with him, President Hamilton will lean in and whisper the truth. Remember not to faint.

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