Thanksgiving is just a few days away, and stressed-out Violets (or is it Bobcats? Who actually knows?) are rejoicing at the promise of a few days off and home-cooked meals. The window for this time of thankfulness is unfortunately small, but your dear friends at The Black Sheep have come up with some ways you can maintain the holiday cheer by bringing a few things back to campus with you from home.
8.) Turkey Baster:
As soon as mom is done basting the turkey, swipe this bad boy and smuggle it into your suitcase when no one’s looking. Not only will it act as a reminder of home and good food, but it will also come in handy for weird sex stuff, which every Violet or Bobcat engages in from time to time.
7.) A Healthy Disrespect for Vegans:
You went back home expecting a quality meal like every other year, only to find out that Aunt Karen screwed you by convincing your mom to serve a Tofurkey this year with animal-by-product-free sides. The bitch ruined your mini vacay, and you were definitely not thankful. You’ve returned to campus with a budding animosity towards the dietary restricted.
6.) Clean Laundry:
Nothing reminds a college student of time spent at home for the holidays quite like reverting back to the childish habit of having your mom do your laundry. Bring back carloads of clothes that haven’t been properly cleaned since move-in week, and stop relying on that free NYU Intramural Basketball T-shirt you got for participating.
If you don’t already have a 30+ set of matching Tupperware that you plan to bring home with you for Thanksgiving break, you’re doing college wrong. Winter isn’t a joke, and you need to pad up for the snow and the cold. Eat as much as you can, and cram what’s left into plastic for later.
4.) A New STD:
The holidays are a good time to go home and hook up with old high school friends. You loosened your belt for more than just extra room at the dinner table, and now you’re paying for it… but hey, what better way to be thankful for your good choices than to remember a bad one?
3.) A New Political Agenda:
Unfortunately, you have a lot of relatives who wanted America to be great again, and they’re determined to share their excitement with you. You’ve been brainwashed by a bunch of liberalist propaganda at your “fancy-schmancy” college, and must be saved. Instead of being able to eat in peace, you may end up with a Donald Trump cap and cynicism for the future of American government.
2.) Christmas Decorations:
Turkey day is over and ’tis the season of (ho ho) hos. Buy some cheap twinkle lights on Black Friday before they become a hot commodity and double in price. Christmas is coming.
1.) All of Your Parents’ Alcohol:
This one’s a given, as there’s nothing you’ll need more than a few fifths to prepare for the inevitable exams that come mid-December. Sure, you could just drink them and that’d be great, but don’t forget all of your other options. You could give it to your professor, which would be a great way to bribe him or convince him to have sex with you, but it’s also very flammable, much like the interior of Bobst, so get creative with that one.
When you’re home this weekend, make sure to get plenty to eat, and to be extra thankful for TITS – but not for the reason you’d think! You might be assuming that we’re telling you to be thankful for Temperatures in the Seventies, Turkey In The Stomach, or some other weird acronym, but we’re not. At The Black Sheep, we just really appreciate boobs.