Tragedy struck this weekend in the form of axe-coated, prepubescent rage.
Travis Markley, a 14-year-old male, came to Ohio State to visit his older sister Libby for “Little Sibs Weekend.” Yet after spending the day attending university sponsored events, Travis was recorded saying he was ready to “turnt up to an 8.5.” However, the night took a sharp turn as Travis became belligerently intoxicated after two sips of Natty Lite.
Libby’s roommate witnessed the origins of the incident, stating, “It all started when his sister made a joke about Travis never kissing a girl. He just snapped, yelling ‘I’ve only been dating Maddie two months and she already lets me kiss her on the cheek!’ over and over while spraying his can of axe everywhere. His voice was cracking every third word. It honestly would’ve been cute, if his incessant flailing didn’t break the tv in the process.”
Unable to calm him, Travis’s sister rushed him out of her apartment still screeching, in an effort to minimize the damage to her property.
Libby came forward, filling in some of the missing pieces of the story, “He wouldn’t chill, so I knew I had to get him out of my place before he broke anything else. At this point I really needed a drink, so I thought to myself ‘Where is the one place that wouldn’t deny a shrieking, clearly underaged boy, without an ID?’ So we went to a frat party. Big mistake.”
Travis was immediately awestruck. Reportedly, upon entering he froze, mouth agape, more fascinated by the deafening music and eccentric lights than the half-nude women.
After hearing the reports, a bartender came forward, claiming to have been approached by Travis and asked for an “orange juice with vodka in it.”
“He definitely looked a little young, but if I stopped serving everyone who looked under 21, we would lose our entire clientele! But before I could get him anything, Black Beetles by Rae Sremmurd began playing, and the kid bolted yelling about it being his favorite song.”
He was last seen heading in the direction of Cane’s, with no more incidences reported throughout the rest of the night.
When asked for a comment, Travis Markley was unable to respond, reportedly on bedrest with “literally the worst hangover of his life.”
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