So you finally snapped, huh? We’ve all been there. Whether it’s a friend from high school, a random, or some pervert you met on Omegle, living with a roommate can be a massive pain in the ass. Even if we aren’t legally allowed to say we support your decision, (referring to the murder, that is), we can’t say we don’t get it. Disposing of the body is the logical next step, so here are some of the best places to mitigate the damages!
5.) One of those campus bookstores:
Not Barnes & Noble, one of the small ones that “buy[s] and sell[s] used books.” Rarely is anyone seen walking in or out of a campus book exchange. It’s the perfect hiding place because the body won’t be found until OSU decides to buy the property to find another way to screw us for money. Besides, only nerds know how to read.
4.) Pearl Street:
A.K.A. Murder Highway, one more body won’t be anything out of the ordinary on the alley behind High Street and is unlikely to draw any unwanted attention. Everyone avoids Pearl Street for a reason, and it’ll be years before someone finally walks past it.
3.) In your backpack:
Remember all those university rules booklets you were forced to sign off on, saying you read but never actually read (because you’re not a nerd)? Well if you had spared one of them a glance, you’d have noticed university personnel is only allowed to search university property if they notice anything suspicious. That means your backpack is off limits. No safer spot to store your rotting roomie. Fair warning: it’ll be a pretty tight squeeze.
2.) Traditions at Morrill:
“Hey, let’s go eat at Morrill,” said no one ever. If you want one truly discreet place, one without any chance of discovery, Traditions at Morrill is by far your best bet. As a bonus, if the corpse happens to accidentally fall into the oven, whatever comes out won’t be too far off from the “chicken fingers” they typically serve.
1.) In plain sight:
No one will be looking for your roommate’s body if no one knows he/she is missing! Have you ever seen Weekend at Bernie’s? Well neither have we, but we get the gist. Feign an accident involving your [dead] roommate that would leave them wheelchair bound. Then tie some strings to their hands, pop a pair of stylish shades over their lifeless eyes, and begin wheeling them around down High Street like everything’s a-okay!
Once the body’s taken care of, it’s almost as if you never had to suffer through their terrible taste in music, horrible friends, and awful b.o. Take our advice, we’re experts in the matter.
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