There’s no denying that Ohio State can suck sometimes. Whether it’s the never-ending construction on campus or the chemistry department ruining your life one exam at a time, the university definitely has it’s shitty moments. But Ohio State isn’t all that bad, and, once in a while, there are some things that happen at Ohio State that really get you feeling excited and aroused. Here are five very nonsexual things at Ohio State that get you hot and bothered:
5.) When there’s no line at Chipotle:
There is truly no feeling more euphoric than walking into Chipotle on High Street and not having to wait more than 30 minutes for your food. It’s hard to not get turned on by the thought of nothing standing in between you and the sour cream laced with addictive preservatives. Being able to immediately indulge in burrito bowl goodness is sure to get your loins tingling.
4.) When Ohio State scores a touchdown:
At Ohio State, we like to score. Scoring a hookup or a free meal is great, but nothing revs up an Ohio State student’s engine like a Buckeye touchdown in The ‘Shoe. The pride and happiness you have for football success is enough to send anyone into arousal overload, and the added vibrations of the stadium (thanks to the screams from the mass amount of fans cheering) adds an extra element of pleasure.
3.) When you grope Thompson’s bust in the library:
One thing sure to increase an Ohio State student’s libido is the indescribable feeling you get from caressing the head of William Oxley Thompson’s bust upon entering Thompson Library. Is it the smooth, cold feeling of Thompson’s bald, shiny head under one’s hand? Or, is it the feeling of hope that one simple fondle of the lucky bust gives a person that causes Ohio State students to get all hot and heavy? Either way, whatever pheromones the bust secretes are strong.
2.) When it’s Steak Night:
What’s sexier than a nice piece of tender meat being served to you in a mediocre dining hall? The answer is nothing, and nothing turns Buckeyes on like Steak Night. The mere whisper of Steak Night sends a surge of hormones through your slightly overweight body, putting all those with meat falling over a sexual cliff. Steak Night is sure to leave your stomach feeling fully satisfied and begging for more meaty steak goodness.
1.) When TBDBITL dots the “i”:
Nothing screams “Aphrodisiac!” like a sousaphone. Fans become instantly taken over by a warm and fuzzy feeling during every TBDBITL performance of “Script Ohio” and adrenaline begins to pump as they anticipate the “i” being dotted. When they finally catch a glimpse of the sousaphone player, wearing traditional marching band attire, and bending over in a ceremonial dotting of the “i,” shivers are sent down their spines and they’re left begging for more.
Next time you’re having trouble getting turned on by your average-at-best partner, just think of these nonsexual things at Ohio State and you’ll instantly have yourself a one-way ticket to Bonertown.
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