5 Things OSU Tours Should Show Future Freshmen

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It’s that time of year again when you can’t walk through The Oval without seeing at least three tour groups passing by. While we’re not sure why anyone would choose another school over The Ohio State University, we do know that our tour guides are not showing these young high schoolers the greatest and worst areas we have to offer.

5.) Mirror Lake:

It’s no secret that the savages who have taken over South Campus drained our dear Mirror Lake so that they could do unnecessary construction on God knows what. Full of drunken and barely dressed students during the week of the OSU vs. Michigan football game, Mirror Lake holds a lot of value on campus. We’ve often overheard students talking about taking the long way to class just to walk by the beautiful lake (definitely not just as an excuse to be late to class), where Afro Duck once laid his claim (may he rest in peace). Enrollment is sure to go down during the next couple of years until Mirror Lake is restored in all its glory once again.

4.) Between the Stacks at Thompson:
Sure, the tour guides will take high schoolers through Thompson Library for a good ten minutes, but what they don’t show them is where they’ll hook up hook up with their “study buddy” after a long night of hitting the books. It’s important to know where the most boring books are located to ensure they’re not caught with their pants down and their asses out.

 

3.) The Shitty Dorms:

This may be one of the greatest deceptions during the tour around campus, and it fills those seniors with false hope every time. Often times, future freshmen see the wonderful dorms in the recently renovated Smith-Steeb, but not the crappy, un-airconditioned rooms of Baker West. They don’t get to yield their eyes upon the puke-green colored walls of Taylor Tower, or the cockroaches roaming Houck House. Not even the freshmen going into sophomore year can get the brand-new dorms on North Campus, so they’re setting these guys up for disappointment before they’re even enrolled.

2.) The Dark Alley Behind Your (Shitty) Dorm:
For at least the duration of the first semester and twice a day during finals week, it’s often that freshmen can be found behind their dorms crying on the phone with their moms. They can’t make this phone call in their dorm because they don’t want to appear weak to their roommate, and the bathroom is a no-go due to the fact that it’s seemingly where all the guys go to “spend some alone time.” They need a dark place where nobody can see them, and their cries can be muffled by the huge garbage bins. This is a place that should definitely be added to the tour for incoming freshmen, because let’s face it, it’s a place that only former freshmen will know about.

5.) Bullwinkle’s:

We’ve decided to save the best (and worst) place for last because Bullwinkle’s is a special place for OSU students. This is where you’ll spend their weekends drunk and dancing the night away before they discover the second floor of Midway. It’s a place where people will most likely end their night in a bathroom stall throwing up, and also where they’ll most likely meet their first drunken hookup. Bull’s is the reason tour groups should be held at 11 p.m. on Fridays and Saturdays.

The Ohio State University is truly a place where dreams come true, and you meet lifelong friends. It’s full of wonderful places that would make any high schooler excited to come here, but often these places aren’t given stops along the tours. So if you happen to see a tour group passing through The Oval, be sure to grab a few lucky future freshmen and show them the places around campus that really matter.

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