The Class of 2022 has had the pleasure of calling The Ohio State University home for the past year, and let’s be honest, it is probably a mere fraction of everything you envisioned your college experience to be. Let’s stop for a moment and think back to all of the things OSU promised you while touring campus but failed to actually deliver: shiny brand new dorms for all, enthralling clubs begging for you to join, and the thriving Greek community that’s counting down the minutes until you can become #Sisters5Ever in January. We’d be lying if we said you’d experience all of those things in your four years at OSU. But have no fear — we’ve compiled a fun list of things that you encountered during your freshman year at OSU.
6.) The Towers:
Being put in Morrill or Lincoln Towers is university housing confirming your suspicions that you are at the bottom of the Buckeye food chain. The ONLY good thing about living in The Towers is the prime location next to The Shoe, for game days, and the RPAC, if your inclination to not gain the Freshman 15 lasts longer than syllabus week. Other than that, The Towers really have nothing to offer. On the bright side, if you live in Morrill you can brag about the fact that it may or may not be haunted by the cannibalistic, serial killer Jeffry Dahmer!
5.) Survey class:
The most pointless 55 minutes of your life will be spent in Survey each week during the first semester. Discussion topics include but are not limited to: talking about the summer reading book that no one actually took the time to read, and the oh-so-thrilling task of degree planning for a major that will probably change at least three more times! Who wouldn’t want to waste brain cells and precious time that could be better spent napping by sitting in an hour long lecture that will not help your future in any way, shape or form?
4.) Never-ending construction:
It is actually impossible to walk from one end of campus to the other without running into 348 construction zones along the way. And of course these construction sites aren’t just a few neon orange cones with some caution tape flailing from them. These areas take up more room than they should, destroy every accessible walking path they can, and make maneuvering from one class to the other a parkour competition between students. Throw your GPS out the window because these suckers are here to ruin your day and turn a five-minute walk into a half hour long adventure.
3.) Oval preachers:
There is no better feeling than strolling to class through the beloved Oval and getting screamed at by preachers full of angst and disgust. It is unclear if they understand that their audience is thousands of college students who drink too much and study too little; we all know we’re destined for the fiery depths Hell. And, no sir, I do not want the pocket Bible you just thrust into my face with more force than J.T. Barrett has when throwing a football.
2.) Sidewalk bikers:
Either someone left the gates of Hell open or it’s still warm enough for assholes people to aggressively ride their bikes through campus. Are Satan’s bikers trying to be fit? Are they attempting to get to class on time? Or are they strictly here to run over any slow pedestrian in their way with no remorse? Look alive when crossing The Oval and walking down Neil Avenue, or prepare to carry a sad story and a tire-mark scar with you for the rest of your life.
1.) High Street’s homeless population
They line High Street every day begging for Mickey D’s or the $3 you have left to your name. Deny them money? They cuss and holler at you louder than your pissed-off mother. Walk by them quietly while minding your own business? They catcall and drop pick-up lines on you that are cornier than the one that creep used on you at Bullwinkles last Thursday. You cannot win with these people, but at least you know someone is interested in boosting your self-esteem!
So freshmen, even though these inconveniences might seem atrocious, we still welcome you with open arms to Ohio State, the best damn school in the land. And don’t worry you’ll figure it out, you wont be #new2osu forever!
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