Sometimes, shit happens, and you sleep in too late to head to block before a noon game. With no time to make it to Alpha Sigma Sigma before kick-off, you search your cramped dorm room for any consumable alcohol before booking it to the Shoe. Left with no other options, you slap the bag solo, finishing the rest of your roommates beloved Franzia. Inevitably, an awkward and passive text sesh will follow, but hopefully all will be resolved by the time everybody sings “Carmen Ohio.”
6.) “Bad news, I didn’t make it to block.”:
This will likely make your roommate feel some sort of sympathy before she freaks out and swears she’s going to start locking her stuff up. Missing block is something nobody would wish upon their worst enemy. If she doesn’t pity you at all then she deserved to have her wine stolen anyways.
5.) “Good news, I still had a hard buzz going at the beginning of the game.”:
Confusion will follow this text, because she’ll remember you finished the last of your Orloff’s two nights ago, pregaming for Thirsty Thursday at Midway. The pieces might begin to click into place, and her suppressed rage will probably fly off the screen at you.
4.) “IOU one box of pink moscato (or whatever’s on sale).”:
Offering to replace what you’ve already chugged will alleviate some tension, but not all. The best you can hope for is that she had one too many Natty’s and her anger will be forgotten by the time the bells in the stadium are being rung. Plus, putting the agreement in text means she knows you won’t be able to back out of your promise, no matter how many times you tell her you were wine drunk and, therefore, not responsible for your words.
3.) “Look at how hot Urban is…”:
A distraction in the form of Urban Meyer and his trademark game day outfit (grey pants + white pullover + headset = Daddy Meyer) is sure to help her forget how you left her wine-less for a Saturday night. Plus, it’s nice to remember that you have the hottest college football coach on the field right now.
2.) “Nick Bosa is on fire, I hope we see him on High Street tonight”:
The prospect of seeing Bosa at a bar post-victory will infuse enough hope in your roomie that she’ll have more to focus on other than her irritation with you. If Nick doesn’t do it for your roommate, sub in JT or any of the other all-stars down on the field.
1.) “Aren’t you glad you aren’t a fan of that team up North?”:
Reminding her that there are people that actually enjoy the colors maize and blue should be enough to have her forgive you entirely. It’s good to know that life could be worse; you could be a Michigan fan.
For the next noon game, try setting a couple more alarms so you wouldn’t have to drink wine that’ll give you a wicked headache the next morning. It’ll also save you an awkward conversation with your roommate, and $11 spent on buying her a new box. Or, just don’t drink at all before the game. Actually, just set the extra alarms.
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