7 Things to Quietly Whisper Into the Creepy Guy’s Ear at Bullwinkles

author-pic at Ohio State University  

Everybody’s favorite bar they love to hate (and hate to love), Bullwinkles is home to cheap drinks, shitty music, and some of the grossest floors in central Ohio. The people, however, are what make Bulls so wonderfully disgusting. The female clientele are all typically on the trashier side of normal, but males have no regulations. You could turn around and find yourself ass-to-crotch with a frat star, self-proclaimed hipster, or one of the old men who come around in hopes of finding a child bride. Bullcreeples — am I right, people? Next time you find yourself in a situation where you need to scare off a bullcreeple, lean in and seductively whisper one of these phrases in their ear to get them to run away in a drunken panic.

7.) “Wanna meet my mom?”:
The prospect of parents is enough to freak any guy out while they’re completely sober, even if your mom really is a lovely lady. Six shots of cheap liquor later, the thought of your mother is guaranteed to make him back up so quickly he’ll probably trip over one of the many empty cans littering the floor.

6.) “I’m celebrating my Sweet Sixteen!”:
Assuming this guy has any moral code or fear of the law, he should run in the opposite direction. If he doesn’t dip out, point to one of the many of the older men lurking around the dancefloor, wave, and tell your dance partner that your dad came to supervise.

5.) Anything in a different language:
Based off the way he goes about approaching women, the man grinding against you probably isn’t good at talking in the first place, let alone in a language other than English. Put your general education required classes to the test, and fire off the couple of phrases of Spanish or French you actually remember from your 1101 class! Who cares if you’re asking what his favorite food is? He’ll already be gone by the time you finish the question.

4.) “I’m a vegan.”:
This is undoubtedly the most annoying phrase to hear out of anybody’s mouth, in any situation. Declaring this fact is usually unprompted and deserves only an eye roll, but saying it to a boy fueled solely by alcohol and testosterone trying to get lucky will give the annoying phrase the extra oomph necessary to make the dance assailant back off.

3.) “How do you feel about the Trump administration?”:
Safely navigating conversations about current politics is a tough thing to do while sober and in a classroom setting. Bringing up Trump and his cabinet members while trying to grind under the disco ball is next to impossible.

2.) “I charge $20 a song, cash only.”:
At best, the guy runs away, afraid he’s about to do some light dabbling in prostitution. At worst, you put up with him for the length of “Bad and Boujee,” make a quick twenty bucks, and find yourself a new, potential sugar daddy. 

1.) “I just farted.”:
Nobody wants to be standing right behind someone that ripped ass. This is gross enough to make him back off, but not as bad as saying you pooped your pants, which would prompt those nearby to run away as well.

Any of these phrases are a foolproof way to ward off unwanted boners. Instead of fearing Bulls because of the advances of all the creeps, embrace the opportunity to have a great story to tell to your friends tomorrow morning. That is, if you remember the encounter the next day. After all, you were at Bullwinkles.