Jacob Goldberg, a current seventh-grader who just got bar mitzvahed this past weekend, is looking forward to being the next pledge in Alpha Epsilon Pi at The Ohio State University after the fraternity, along with Sigma Alpha Mu, was recently placed on a five-year suspension by the university, and will not be allowed back on campus until 2023.
While the historically Jewish fraternity will no longer be able to recruit new members, Goldberg believes he is a good candidate for AEPi’s next pledge class.
“I’m a man now,” the pubescent middle schooler claimed. “It’s actually official now.”
Now that he is officially a man, Goldberg’s bar mitzvah/pool party from last weekend was thoroughly observed and analyzed by The Black Sheep in order to give worried Ohio State students clarity in how future AEPi block parties will go down in five years.
“There was alcohol at my party,” Goldberg assured, pulling down the seam of his “Just Do It” black Nike shirt that every other 13-year-old boy in his class wears, even if they don’t play any sports. “Uncle Morty was the bartender. And my great-aunt Esther got really blasted off the wine spritzers.”
Goldberg’s bar mitzvah’s ability to fuck up his great-aunt Esther is a telling sign that when the fraternity returns in 2023, the ultimate rager, Jewish-style, will be long overdue. Studies show that in the future, Natty Lights and even Four Lokos just won’t be enough; wine spritzers will be the Block drink of choice for college kids
partying studying in the year 2023.
Goldberg also claimed that “only the coolest of the cool kids” got invited to his bar mitzvah, giving suspicion that future AEPi bouncers will be more selective when it comes to frat party attendance and admission.
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“Not just anybody could come to MY bar mitzvah,” Goldberg said, crossing his arms and suddenly putting on his Ray-Bans that had previously laid on top of his head. “There was a strict guest list so that only me and my best friends and some hot babes could party together.”
Goldberg’s mother, Sarah, later clarified that Jacob’s entire class from Millwood Jewish Country Day School for Boys was invited, in order to not make anyone feel excluded, as well as a select few young gals who her son met in BBYO. Goldberg’s entire family, both immediate and extensively extended, also attended the function.
“Olivia’s a fucking hottie,” Goldberg said of the underage tween.“I’d lavalier that bitch.”
In his effort to stand out as “not just another nice Jewish boy,” Jacob Goldberg opted for a scandalous bar mitzvah theme of “Fun in the Sun” that he was luckily able to do because of his late-May birthday. Attendees were encouraged to wear attire they would wear to the beach, including…bathing suits.
Such a theme may attest to Goldberg’s leadership in the future AEPi chapter at Ohio State, leading the way for future blocks, frat parties, and accompanying themes with the possibility of blow-up kiddie pools.
At press time, Goldberg was seen trying on various pairs of “fratty” salmon-colored shorts at the local JCPenney’s with his mother. Goldberg’s plan was swap them in to replace his usual khakis that he’s forced to wear as uniform at Millwood Jewish Country Day School for Boys.
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