Baker Mayfield, the Oklahoma Sooner fuckboi that the entirety of Ohio State’s campus despises, was drafted as a first pick for the NFL for the Cleveland Browns on Thursday night.
In awe-struck horror, Buckeye fans—who hail from Solon, Chagrin Falls, North Olmstead, Rocky River, and other unknown and uncared for Cleveland suburbs—collectively upchucked upon the announcement, as they are known to at the beginning of every football season and learn to control it as the Browns continue to lose throughout the year.
“Fuck that guy, man,” saidJeff Corkin, longtime Cleveland sports fan and third-year operations major. “I don’t want him representing MY team. No way.”
While many ashamed Browns fans—who after months of never even thinking about their good ‘ol Browns until being forced to this past draft night—feel the same as Corkin, some stray from the pack and think it’s just what the Browns may need.
“Guys. We suck. This kid has a fucking HEISMAN TROPHY,” said Kevin Linders, second-year sports industry major and possible quarterback for the Browns in the next few years. “We need this more than we need our pride. Oh, and Manziel doesn’t count, that was a rebuilding year.”
Buckeye/Browns fans will have to swallow their pride—as they usually have to whenever publically or even privately admitting to others or themselves that they are, in fact, Browns fans—when Mayfield takes the field this fall, trying to erase the image of the country bumpkin face from behind the helmet.
The widespread hatred for Mayfield began in September 2017, when he sacrilegiously pierced his ugly Oklahoma flag into Ohio State’s beloved turf, right in the middle of OSU’s enchantingly beautiful block O, disrespecting the very ground that JT walks on.
Fuck that guy.
But while many Buckeye/Browns fans are hoping that Mayfield will actually help their team win for once in their goddamn lifetime, others are hoping their team will serve Mayfield well.
“There’s no way that Baker here is gonna change the course of Browns history. It’s just a fact,” said Caroline Hartman, second-year social work major. “He’s never going to see another win in his life. And that’s Ohio’s revenge.”
Buckeyes predict that it won’t be until Mayfield’s fourth loss in four games that Mayfield will realize the mistake that he’s made messing with Ohio, and that even in Cleveland, Buckeyes will find a way to revolt against him. Rumors are swirling around whether the Browns fourth pick, OSU’s Denzel Ward, will try and mess with the fuckboi at hand.
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