Valentine’s Day is finally upon us! The one holiday that everyone seems to hate because A.) you’re single, or B.) you are expected to spend egregious amounts of money on someone who isn’t yourself. It’s what we in the industry like to call a “lose-lose situation.” The Black Sheep took the liberty of scoping out the most romantic points of the most romantic building on campus (the Union, obviously). If you’re trying to catch two people doing that dirty dance—or maybe want to taste the water yourself—here are the best nooks and crannies we could find to have sex in the Ohio Union. And trust us, we searched all of them.
7.) Musky chair closet:
The Union’s sure got plenty of these. We know closet sex is never the most comfortable, but there’s a certain thrill about doing it right next to the chair you probably sat on during any of the various “mandatory” orientation events freshman year. Sexy, right?
Now this one is for you exhibitionists out there. The fireplace is unarguably the most romantic spot in the Union. It’s also the most populated. But hey, confidence is sexy! If you don’t mind going to pound town with a few onlookers, then this is the spot for you. We would also recommend you look into a potential future in the porn industry.
5.) Changing room:
Apparently, the Union is having some sort of “dress for success” special, where they dress you up in the basement. That’s probably a terrible explanation, but we really didn’t look into the details. To us all it looks like is the opportunity for some prime one-on-one action. Anything could happen behind those curtains.
4.) Dirty couch:
These couches look about 30 years old, so we’re sure it wouldn’t be the first time someone broke them in. But hey, the words “old” and “reliable” are often used together for a reason! Don’t knock it ‘till you try it.
3.) Parking garage stairwell:
If you’re in the mood to be extra grubby, this is the cranniest of all the crannies. There’s just enough room under the stairwell for two, so you won’t have to worry about any unwelcome guests. It might be a little cold, but you have each other to keep warm! Just make sure you don’t accidentally step on any used needles.
2.) Grand Ballroom:
Like hearing the sounds of your own bodily functions? The Archie M. Griffin Grand Ballroom has got an echo that you can’t find anywhere else in the Union. It isn’t cute, but it sure is loud. You know what they say, “It’s not about who speaks the truth, it’s about who speaks the loudest.” We know that’s referencing arguments, but the same mentality probably applies to sex, right?
1.) Papier-mâché peeps:
This last option is for the real risk-takers reading this. Need an adrenaline rush to get your endorphins running? You and your partner of choice can take to the skies and get some raw trapeze action going. If you can’t get comfortable, don’t worry! You’ve got two whole sculptures to choose between and who could possibly join in.
Whether you take these as warnings, or suggestions, is up to you. Our recommendation is to avoid the Union entirely. But you know what they say, “if you can’t beat ‘em, join ‘em.”
Oh hey, listen and subscribe to Talk of Shame: