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Better Uses for Your Syllabus Than Actually Reading It

Second semester is officially underway, and what we lack for in fraternities, we make up for in degrees below zero. Oh, and syllabi (that’s plural for “syllabus” for all you cavemen and cavewomen out there). The one thing every class seems to have, blow-off or not, so let’s stop feeding those straight to the trash can outside the classroom and put them to good use. And no, that doesn’t mean actually reading them.

4.)  Warm up your cheaply insulated dorm room:
At a school with so many students and a two-year living requirement (that is absolutely not just a scheme for Ohio State to steal more of our money), nice dorms are a hot commodity. If you have working air conditioning and your dorm wasn’t built like a drunk dad following IKEA instructions (looking at you, North dorms), you’re living like a king. But in these harsh Ohio winters, even the “nice” dorms can’t seem to stay warm. Take that “integral-to-your-success-in-the-course” one-sheet, and start yourself a nice kindling.

3.)  Poke your professor in the eye*:
If you know how to make yourself a solid paper airplane, this one’s for you. If you don’t know how to make yourself a solid paper airplane, you probably weren’t a complete ass in middle school, so props to you. Either way, we can agree it’s too cold for classes. Turn that syllabus into your own personal Boeing 747, and prepare for takeoff straight for your instructor’s eyeball. Assuming you’re an expert dart thrower, you’ll hopefully earn your class a few weeks off until the weather starts to break (and your instructor returns from surgery).

2.)  Frame your professor**:
This one requires a little more prep, but is entirely worth the effort. Take that nasty sheet of paper, and flip it over. Glue on cut-out magazine letters, embracing your inner creep, and spell out some big story about ransom and kidnappings, etc., etc. When you leave it for the police, they’ll flip it over and find your professor’s name on the front. Hopefully, they can dig up some dirt on them, getting you free credit for the semester (we’re pretty sure those are the reparations for your teacher being convicted of a felony). Worst case scenario, they cancel a few lectures while being interrogated by the police, and end up on the TSA watch list for the rest of their life.

1.) Make some money:
Take the paper. Cut it into small rectangles. Choose your favorite green from your 64 pack of Crayola crayons, and color those suckers. Draw on the face of a random president, then boom, you’re suddenly flush with cash. We know it sounds like a stretch, but make sure not to spend it all in one place so you don’t look suspicious. Don’t believe it will work? Just ask the Orville brothers. Every great innovation comes with a hundred times as many cynics.

The options are unlimited, but our patience sure isn’t, so we’re gonna cut this list off at four. You can put those big brains of yours to work on your own time, if that’s not enough for you. C’mon people, we can’t keep spoon-feeding you forever.

*We absolutely do not actually condone this.
**We absolutely do actually condone this.

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