The Office of Student Life released a statement late Monday confirming that 99% of Ohio State students did not attend the first day of class in order to properly mourn the day of the National Championship in silence and solitude.
Instead of making the trek to class, many, instead chose to stay home and day drink/ cry.
“Not only did I not want to freeze my nipples off, but I also knew my body wasn’t physically or emotionally ready for the stress that is the first day of syllabus week,” said Mark Hughes, a third year in finance. “My heart just wasn’t in it.”
While students stayed in to rebuild and mend up, professors across campus questioned why students did not want to attend their fifteen minute lectures over the importance of memorizing their office hours and learning where they attended undergrad, grad school, and law school.
“This is the week I probably prepare the most for, and for students to scoff off such an important day really shows their character,” said Dr. Veronica Jones, PhD, who insisted that The Black Sheep include proof of her doctorate degree twice in her name to reinforce her dominance and intelligence in her field.
As Ohio State is proud of its diversity in demographics, the university is also proud of students’ uniquely diverse ways of dealing with the lack of a National Championship game spot.
“I think what hurt the most was that I bought a new couch for this. Naturally, my plan was to set it on fire in celebration like many others,” said Natalie Hoffman, a third-year political science major. “What the fuck am I supposed to do with it now?”
Many fans are feeling like this loss is almost personal, with a rough year like 2016 coming to a close.
“We were so, so close,” said Sam Mizner, a second-year liberal from Cleveland. “The Indians lose. Hillary loses. There’s only so much I can take in a season.”
Some students banded together to help heal in unity. For fourth-year Spanish major Caitlin Marchessi, Mariah Carey’s performance following the game which took the spotlight off of OSU, as well as alcohol, both played major roles in the healing process.
“I couldn’t stand seeing my friends and roommates sulk around and cry anymore, so I thought that what we all needed was a deep and honest conversation about what happened, and how we can move forward from this,” Marchessi said, dabbing her eyes with an old, saved Cane’s napkin. “And we did. When I suggested that we drink enough wine until we had meaningless, yet super deep conversations on my couch that no one ended up remembering, I think everyone felt a little better.”
One saving grace Buckeyes are clinging to is the pain and suffering Alabama students will have to endure now that they’ve finally lost a game.
“What happened on New Year’s really sucked,” says Jenn Carrington, a second-year in biology. “But knowing we lost to the winning team is a little better.”
Win or lose, the Buckeyes are still being talked about. Especially since every fucking good player is leaving for the fucking draft? Fuck you, NFL.